Lead a guilt-free life

It was Saturday evening, I had just finished dinner, and from my balcony, I was staring at the street light and a small tree below it. The rain had just stopped; it was enchanting to see water droplets forming on the leaves and a small gyration of trees, the water droplets falling down on the ground with a splash of water. I was in a kind of trance enjoying that moment of life.

Suddenly I heard a loud voice, it shook me up from my trance…..somebody calling me with a distressed tone. It's a familiar voice. I rushed to check out from my balcony and saw my close friend standing there. I asked him to come up, He said “I need to talk to you please come down”. I was a little surprised and thought maybe something important and went down. This guy was almost in tears and talking incoherently. I thought he still had not come out from the shock of his mother’s death; she passed away last week after prolonged suffering.

We sat down silently for some time. After a while, he started sobbing uncontrollably and confessed that he did not take care of his mother properly and neglected her. He was feeling guilty. He felt he has terribly wronged and did not know what to do, he was struggling, a feeling of remorse gripped him.

Middle of 2009, the second wave of the economic recession hit the market very hard and companies were in the process of retrenching the employees to cut the cost and save the company from shutting down. Literally, companies looked like a graveyard. The whole retrenching process was kept secret and only a few people were privy to the information. The rest of the employees were given to speculation and were scared of losing their jobs. 

The HR person in charge of the process had to retrench huge numbers of employees. The process required him to talk to each employee individually and issue the cheque (three months salary) and shake hands with them. It stressed him intensely and he was feeling guilty since he had to let go of many people who were genuinely in need of a job. Guilt haunted him for many years, though we reasoned out saying he just executed the orders, but somehow he preferred to own responsibility.

Most of the time we feel guilty of one or other acts, it may be a trivial cause. 

Some examples, where we feel a mild form of guilt.

We feel guilty about snacking on a piece of pizza or chocolate throwing a strict diet regimen to wind….

We feel guilty for wrongly gossiping about someone….

We feel guilty for not putting in the required effort to crack the competitive exams or score good marks in the academic…

The guilt of bunking the classes……

Guilty of unnecessarily arguing and hurting someone to prove our point…

The guilt of spanking the child.

Guilty of Traffic violation….

Some are very serious in nature…..below are a few examples.

People are guilty of adultery, leading to marital discord or divorce.

Some people indulge in physical intimacy just to satisfy the carnal desire and at a later point in time they regret and guilt haunts them.

Some people cheat financially and they get away with the crime, However, at some point in life realization dawns and guilt touches them. It makes them sad and by then life would have moved on and they could do nothing to repair the damage.

Guilt is an incredibly powerful emotion, I believe it is a positive emotion that often helps you to correct your mistakes and tread the right path. It is a wake-up call from your conscience, if you are sensitive you will recognize and rectify.

Nevertheless, some guys are thick-skinned and their conscience doesn’t prick. Such people continue on the wrong path and never realize the crimes they keep committing.

Guilt can play havoc on you, it can hurt your self-esteem and drain you emotionally. In many cases, people are so severely affected they carry the feeling long after the incident has lost its relevance and feel remorse throughout life, which can affect both their physical and mental health.

Guilt often creates a psychological barrier and stunts growth. Chronically guilt-ridden people become introverts, tend to lose interest in life and focus on work, and suffer from loneliness and melancholy. 

All of us carry the burden of guilt to some extent, it’s quite natural to err even consciously, after all, we are human beings with feelings and emotions. The study reveals that women are more prone to feeling guilt than men. This is our existential truth.

How do we come out or lessen the feeling of guilt?

1. Get clarity on the situation: Please think through the situation and analyze whether your guilt has a rational grounding in reality. If not it could be needless to go through the phase.

2. Speak out:  Talk to your close friend or mentor without hiding anything in your heart. Some people put on a happy facade but actually, they're being eaten from inside. Don’t stay tight-lipped fearing the society or for fear of shame or ill repute.

3. Forgive yourself: You must have done it consciously or otherwise. The first point is to accept it and try to forgive yourself. Take a vow not to repeat the act and tell to yourself “ Yes I have made a mistake, not intentionally, I am not a bad person, I will be extra careful next time”

4. Repentance: Nothing is bigger than repentance. Repentance will push you genuinely atone the act and you will attempt to undo the wrongdoings. You will unburden your heart.

5. Seek counseling and therapy: Seeking help from professionals will help alleviate the burden of guilt. Hypnotherapy is very effective in chronic cases. 

 

When you free yourself of guilt, you feel peace within

“Let us not search for the guilty ones only among others, let us speak the bitter truth: we are all guilty ... each and every one of us”. --- Maxim Gorkey 

How to manage Inner-Conflict

How to  bring rationality to stop inner-conflict

We all face conflicts day in and day out, be it an individual conflict with friends, colleagues, boss, spouse, or ideological conflicts like politics, religion, philosophy, etc. Life is full of conflicts and we spend a great amount of time mulling what is right and what is wrong, what is good and bad, then try to resolve them in the mind. Yes, we are all troubled by conflicts….conflicts and conflicts…..is there a way out?.

Not all conflicts are bad, some conflicts are healthy and it will help you to act on your lacunae and impart life-changing lessons. But most of the time we confront unhealthy conflicts which strain relations, inflict deep wounds in the psyche, and erode all peace of mind.

The conflicts are due to opposing ideologies, beliefs, desires, habits, etc. Since no two individuals think and feel alike, we differ in our views, opinions, interests, and values. Impulsively we argue to prove our point rather than listen to the other side and find a middle path. By the episode, you not only hurt the other person, but you hurt yourSELF.

Of all the conflicts we face, inner-conflicts are the most difficult to handle. Since, the head and the heart are at constant tussle, if one agrees and the other disagrees. Mind with its logic can arrive at knowledge. But the heart with its own desires and emotions resists the mind and hence is slow to change and align with knowledge. Even when the heart changes our instinctive, habitual actions and reactions offer even greater resistance. At every step of personality change lies an inner-conflict. When scientists and thinkers find new ways of progress for humanity, society comes up with customs and traditions, moral and ethical dilemmas.

So, the need of the hour is to understand the mechanics of inner-conflict by broadening our perspective and finding a workaround is very important.

Well, all conflicts are not bad, some are really interesting and they act as a positive force to your growth, it bestows a new meaning to life and enables you to get fresh perspectives.

We constantly engage in mental dialogues and weigh our thoughts between good and bad, right and wrong, and invariably most of the time we remain indecisive. Another side effect of constant inner dialogue is that we tend to become judgmental of other’s opinions or views.

Some examples below illustrate the day to day conflicts and the dilemma associated with it.

Ex 1.  While you are managing your family expenses on a strict budget you find an attractive offer on some item you can gift your wife or daughter.  Inevitably your mind swings between impulsive buying and compulsive logic.

Ex 2. When an important meeting with your boss and a family pooja ceremony demanding your presence coincides, great dilemma sets in….how to prioritize?

Ex: 3. You believe that you should be assertive and outspoken to get recognition and make advancement in your career.

The opposing thought is, you are not confident enough and you think if you try to be assertive people may ridicule and laugh at you……so you remain indecisive

 These are small, day to day happenings we all face. However, we could face major crises like health, finance or relationship-related issues which may throw you off balance and create panic and prompt you to take hasty, mindless decisions.

Mahabharata, is a story of inner conflicts. All the characters live in our mind and heart, The story outlines the struggle to establish dharma (righteousness). The essence of the story lives in our subconscious.

There are many examples we can take, for me Karna’s example seems to be very apt for inner-conflict. Throughout his life he struggled with inner-conflicts, Because of certain unfortunate situations he was placed in “he always did what he ought to have done to promote himself, rather than what truly he should have done according to dharma” ---Meaning, he was desperate to show the world he was the best archer, he did not leave any stone unturned to get an opportunity to exhibit his skills, in the process he divorced Dharma and took sides with adharmic people.

He went through intense mental trauma vacillating between good and bad. He knew very well he was taking sides with the wrong people but couldn’t firm up his decision to tread the path of Dharma, because he was stuck to the valueless vow to protect Dhuryodhana, who helped him in many ways. The tragedy is, he never summoned the courage to discard the wrong path...he was good at heart, but led astray by his ambition. Whether to choose ambition or Dharma was the great inner-conflict he faced and he failed from Dharmic point of view

 A wonderful story from Paulo Coelho on the inner-conflict

A gardener was taking a morning walk in the bright sunshine and he was happy to see the rose garden blooming which he always tended very lovingly. While watering the garden he noticed sudden growth of weeds in the garden and was taken aback. He knew the weeds would kill his garden.

He believes Soul is like a landscaped garden that needs to be protected from weeds.

So took his sickle to cut the weed. Weed spoke to him and said “Hi, why do you want to kill me, I've grown on my own, I've come a long way, you haven't given me life, I have the right to live….so please do not cut me off”

The gardener thought for a while after listening to the weed, and he felt what it was saying was correct.

He dropped the sickle. Suddenly Rose flower talked to him “Hi you have brought me here and you nurtured me very well with love and care, it’s time to bloom, and you are allowing the weed to grow and destroy me. I request you please cut the weed".

His inner-conflict peaked up with logic and counter logic…compelling him to think in all dimensions to justify his action.

At last Gardner took the sickle and cut the weeds…..and he looked up and says

“God give me similar strength to weed out the unwanted thoughts from my mind”

 Overcoming inner conflict is not an easy task; it takes a conscious and consistent effort for a prolonged period of time.

Some pointers below may help you to reduce and overcome inner-conflict.

 Bring awareness: Having a deep awareness of the conflicts are the starting point of dissolution because awareness brings a resolution mindset

Be conscious: Try to be conscious of your choice, take the right decision by analyzing what you need versus what you think right.

Calm your mind and never get influenced by other’s opinion and point of view

Practice Mindfulness meditation

 

PS: I have just given an overview of inner-conflicts, tried scraping on the surface level, not gone deep into it. Deeper study gives more info of the psychological complexities involved in inner-conflict and its resolutions. However, I have limited scope to the basic psychological level, not the clinical or pathological side of the subject.

If anybody is interested in discussing further to enhance academic knowledge, please feel free to touch base with me.

 

“ When Inner-Conflicts ends peace begins”

 

 

Don't Shun Compassion

Train chugged off slowly from the station …. a lady was running to catch the train carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand. She was limping, unable to run fast, as her knees were hurting because of arthritis. She was holding the heavy suitcase in one hand and struggling to catch hold of the train with the other hand.

 A person standing near the door assisted her and pulled her inside the train. The train was a little crowded; since It was an unreserved compartment all seats were completely occupied.

 She looked around for a seat and tried requesting a few people but in vain. She stood there balancing on her legs with her knees hurting. She was panting for breath.

 Nobody bothered to offer her a seat and a few people pretended to look elsewhere and got busy in their own world. On seeing her plight, a gentleman stood up and offered his seat. Lady thanked him and sat comfortably in the seat. The gentleman was compassionate towards the suffering lady.

 This is quite common in journeys, we have experienced it several times. Many times we feel like helping but somehow we glue our butt to the seat. A strong inner urge to help is not felt and we remain unmoved and sit like a statue.

 Compassion is the act to relieve the suffering with kindness, caring and support.

 Yes, the message I am trying to drive home is about compassion. How conveniently we forget. What happened to the principles we boast of ?  Train is just one incidence, in day-to-day life we come across many such helpless people, instead of showing compassion somehow we conveniently turn our face away.

 During the present Corona lockdown period, I'm seeing exactly the opposite. People have become very generous; they're volunteering to help those who are in distress. The needy are given food, medicines and provided shelter. Some people don't even bother about their safety while extending heartfelt service.

 Whenever an intense disaster strikes whether it is a tsunami or earthquake, cloudburst or flood or whatever, people just drop everything and stand in solidarity with others. We have witnessed this generosity in all calamities.

 I read a very touching story sometime back, it's a true incident that happened in one of the hospitals.

 A young boy was nursing his mother post operation, she was recovering. It was around 10 pm, the boy started home after serving food and giving medicine to her mother.

 While passing through the hospital wards, in one of the wards, he heard a faint murmuring voice. Out of curiosity he went inside and saw an old lady in critical condition lying on the bed. With tears in her eyes she kept saying something which wasn’t clear to him.

 The boy was curious and asked the nurse over there. The nurse told him that the old lady was in critical condition and her last wish was to see her son and eyes were looking for him.  Nurse with a heavy heart told him, we didn't know the whereabouts of her son to reach the message.

 The boy went near the old lady and she grabbed his hand thinking that her son had come. She kept talking incoherently with him the whole night with tears in her eyes.

 The boy sat quietly throughout the night holding her hand warmly and comforting her. Around 4 am she passed away peacefully. 

 

The nurse was overwhelmed with emotion, hugged the boy and said this was true compassion, “without knowing that lady you sat the whole night next to her and comforted her, hats off to you”.

 If you have an itch to help others, if you're a habitually generous hearted with a deep urge for service, you could consider channeling your compassion towards starting an NGO with a purpose and make a mark in life. There are so many situations crying for attention like for instance poor couples who can't afford treatment of their children with congenital defects like a hole in the heart or suffering from cancer etc.

 To be compassionate does not mean throwing all discretion to the winds. Always lending a helping hand out of good nature is indeed a laudable habit but there could always be some situations that do not merit it.

 Like for instance giving alms to beggars. There are many categories of beggars and not all are deserving and needy.

 Use your discretion and help only the needy.

 Knowing this well, there are some compassionate people who are tough with beggars. However one should be careful not to deny the needy.

 Other day, I saw a beggar; she was very hungry and looked like she had not had food for a day. She approached a person for food, he was rude and shooed her away. 

 Next day morning I happened to see the same person talking about helping Covid-19 affected immigrant workers. This behaviour perplexed me, a sudden change in the attitude and overflow of compassion!!!

 One should learn to discriminate.

 Through acts of compassion you make a difference in your communities and sometimes in the world. Some of those who made a difference are Mahatma Gandhi, Baba Amte, Mother Terassa, Nelson Mandela. Through acts of compassion they made an ocean of difference in the lives of people and put the smile back on their faces.

Act of compassion enriches your life and you will see many benefits. Some benefits are listed below

They are self-explanatory; however, we can dwell on each one at length, but i am limiting the scope.

If any of you interested in discussing further, please feel free to connect with me.




1. Improved health
2. Understand yourself and others well
3. Your social connectivity increases
4. You open up your heart
5. Reduces own suffering
6. You get peace of mind

 

“If you want to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Dalai Lama