Don't be Fussy…..

Don't be Fussy…..

Dinner time 8.30pm ……."Khushi"...shouts her husband Akash, "Chapati is not roasted properly".

"Oh sorry dear, next chapati i will make it better"…tells khushi..

"Khushi...Sagu has less salt and is very bland ...how many times should I tell you to make it spicy".

"Khushi...why is this plate not cleaned"…...complains Akash.

"Khushi...look... the dining table is littered, how can i have food in this messy place...can’t you clean it before dinner"…....Akash claims he is spic-and-span and very particular about food and he wants everything to be in order….This irritates Khushi.

From the kitchen a blunt wooden object came flying and landed on his head...  thud...There Khushi standing in front of him fuming with anger and wiping the dripping sweat from her face ….with crossed elbow on her waist…..she shouts at him ...."You are very fussy!!…. can you not adjust one day,  even I have just come back from work and I am as tired as you are". They both get into arguments followed by a small mahabharata battle, after that one of them shows the white flag and they reconcile and sleep.

Next day morning, its quarter to 9, Akash is restless, it is getting late, he has an appointment with a client around 11am, Khushi is not yet ready…..he has to drop her to office, her office is on the way to his office.

Angrily goes to her dressing room and finds she is busy selecting the dress from her cupboard. On seeing Akash, she says "hi dear can you help me select the dress, tell me which dress i should wear. Pink, yellow or Saree or  Salwar, Jeans, ....I am just not able to decide…. dress should match with accessories"…...she smiles.

"What the heck……are you out of your mind….don’t you know it is getting late. I have an important meeting at 11am, wear something and start now…………. why you girls are so fussy about the dress. Come fast we have to hurry”

She retorts, "You guys are boring, very raw and tasteless"…now he loses his control, but has no freedom to throw anything, he gets back to the car and waits for her to come….

Sounds familiar?….this script is from every day drama happens in most of the families.

All of us are fussy to some extent; we are fussy about food, about clothing, about jobs, relationships etc. Trouble starts when your behaviour goes to extremes.

While ordering food in a restaurant some people get too fussy and it irritates the onlookers and embarrasses colleagues or family members.

Familiar scenes: In a showroom, the poor salesman puts a heap of dresses in front of the customer, and the customer is never happy and still wants to look for more designs or patterns. After spending sufficient time, mercilessly walks out without making a purchase. There is no remorse or sympathy for the poor salesman. When you ask them they're unregretful and say he has been paid to do that job.

When you slice and dice the anatomy of fussiness, some questions pop up.

•    Is it because we have too many choices available today?

Answer is yes, we have many choices available and we would like to pick the best which gives   maximum value for our money, and in the process we get fussy in selection.

Just a couple of decades back, we did not have so many choices either in products or services. Post globalization, a plethora of products and services are available at an affordable price. Companies are enticing customers with attractive schemes and installments. Even a middle class and lower middle class people can afford to buy. When so much choice is available it’s natural to look for the best product to get the value for your money. It is like a buffet in a hotel, so many items are spread in front of you, and without   a bother you eat, and get sick.

• Does this give a sense of pride?

Some people wear pride on their sleeves and they love to flaunt it in front of everyone. This gives them immense satisfaction and inflates the ego. Hence they love to get fussy throwing their weight around.

• Is it a sign of trouble adapting to changing times?

Before the onset of modern era, man had simple, well defined roles much more suited to local life. But now after advent of modern era, it is become complex. Our outer expression, our dressing, language, mannerisms have become nuanced. Our etiquette has developed into a subtle and delicate art. There's an underlying current of nagging stress to match all that with perfection. To provide for all that society has come up with a wide variety of creative choices. Making right choices requires calm judgment. When you lack that faculty or when you're still in the process of developing it you tend to be nervous, and fussy. As you mature you'll acquire the faculty of calm and swift judgment and you'll no more tend to be fussy.

•  Is it because of compulsive behaviour?

Small percentage of people falls in this category. They are not clear about what they want, and they are strongly driven by obsession that results in restless and repetitive acts. Though it is annoying to them, they are unable to control. Such situations warrant, psychological counseling and corrective suggestions after understanding the underlying cause.

• Wrong role models

Role models have a huge influence on our behaviour. These role models are film personalities, sportsmen, business magnets and even politicians. We try to unrealistically imitate their lifestyle without understanding the class difference and hence we fumble and tumble in the behaviour and become fussy over little things.

There are some questions we need to ask ourselves;

Why should we spend so much time on trivial things, is it worth spending?

Can't we use the same for betterment of ourselves?

Life is precious, we only have so many days on this earth, why waste time and resources in fussing around trivials.  It does not serve any purpose.

Look around there are so many underprivileged who are struggling to get one square meal a day. Corona has taught us a great lesson that our life is ephemeral like a bubble. Life is a dynamic process, not static. We're all caught in the web of time, don't waste your time and money on trivia

Let me end this with a nice story.

 A village was flooded with water due to heavy rains. Water levels rose to dangerous mark, people started fleeing to safe place in the boats with their belongings. In one of the boats, a family of 4 members with a pet dog was moving to the safe place. The boat was overloaded, since they had stuffed many house hold items in it. The water currents were swift and the boat was overloaded, a slightest jerk would endanger and sink the boat. Inside the boat a mischievous dog was jumping and playing in the boat, risking everyone’s life. Somehow it was uncontrollable.

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A sage  passing close by in another boat , saw this and thought boat can sink any moment if the dog continue to jump and play, immediately shouted and told those guys to  “throw the dog in to flood water”  and leave it there for some time and don't forget to hold the chain so that it will not wash away in water.  The dog was thrown in to the river, dog couldn’t withstand the pressure as water force was heavy, it started gasping for air …. it struggled to survive and somehow held on to the boat. After sometime the dog was pulled back to the boat. Lo….now the dog becomes quiet and  happily sits in the corner of the boat.

Moral is: Appreciate what you have and value it, you will never know what awaits us tomorrow, being fussy or grumbling for anything and everything will not take you far.

“The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep”

Paper boat

                                       Paper boat

Hey!! do you remember how we used to  play with paper boats...exclaimed my friend when he saw a few kids playing with paper boats, while we were walking on the streets after a pleasant evening rain. I nodded and said yes and we both reminisced about the good old days. Those days were the happy days, our joy knew no bounds.

We used to craft a boat, keep it ready and wait impatiently for rain to stop. When rain stopped, we used to jump and rush to select the small water streams on the roads, to let our boats sail…. We would compete for the selection of materials for the boat, designs and the right streams to set sail our boats. We would blow air from our mouths and try to make them go fast. Sometimes to our dismay they would topple and sink instead.

We would have lots of fun and childish misery in childhood playing like this in the rainy days. In our childhood just as much as our joys were intense so were our miseries, when we lost our toys or a game, when we bullied and played pranks on one another, etc. It was indeed a great training ground for the future life of cooperation and competition as grown-ups. How we cope with our inter-personal relationship has its roots in childhood

How similar is our life to the paper boat. We start with hope and excitement, then experience the joy of initial success but as time goes the inevitable setbacks set in. It could be other way round as well, initial setbacks and final success or both alternating all life. In whatever order life happens you will essentially go through all the vicissitudes of life and in the end depart into the unknown leaving behind everything, leaving no trace...… Life is so fragile, unpredictable, takes unexpected twists and turns. By the time we realize what meaningful life looks like, our life will be knocked out of the earth.

I am not a fatalistic person, I believe in fighting till the end. However there are circumstances where things are beyond our control and we may not have the ability to handle them. In such a situation, be patient and have faith and pray for divine intervention, instead of needlessly torturing yourself to the point of madness. To have faith and pray for divine intervention requires patience and sadhana…..

Life could be so fragile. But can't we maintain a semblance of sanity and strength in the midst of gloom and doom. Like there's calm in the eye of a storm we must also learn to remain calm and wise and strong in the middle of life's unpredictable storms. Gradually that peace and strength within will radiate and infiltrate our outer life and bring a semblance of stability.

We must take inspiration from our epics, Ramayana and Mahabharata.

Life threw all possible misfortunes at Rama but he was by nature so pure and strong and wise he never once lost his balance. He was not touched by misfortune. Only time he suffered was, understandably, when his beloved wife was in trouble.

Sri Krishna went one step further. He was not just calm and balanced but in the middle of all chaos he remained always in joy as if he was enjoying the whole thing! He was Anandamayi.

Purandara Dasa is famous among the Haridasa of karnataka, is known for surrender and devotion. Early part of his life, he was a miser and greedy and lived only to amass wealth. He was nick named as Navakoti Narayana.

An incident opened his eyes and he realized the impermanence of life and gave away all his wealth and said God is  his wealth. He was calm and composed for the tough life he had to lead after he relinquished his wealth. He composed lakhs of songs in praise of Lord Krishna. He was in continuous joy and ecstasy throughout his life in devotion and surrender.  

Let me narrate a beautiful story...

A king goes hunting with his soldiers in a thick forest, the sun is setting and it is getting dark everywhere, all of a sudden a ferocious hungry lion from one of the bushes roars loudly and attacks the king. All his soldiers run helter-skelter to save their lives. In the melee, the king was thrown out of the chariot by horses as they try to save themselves from the lion.

The hungry lion chases the king, while running to escape from lion, he falls into a pit, it is an open dry well, while falling he observes a python sleeping in the pit, he gets panic and somehow he manages to catch hold of one of the roots of the tree he sees protruding from inside the wall of the pit. Now the king is suspended in the middle of the pit. Above is the hungry lion waiting to kill him, and below python is aroused and slowly moving upwards to gobble him up.

Meanwhile, the king hears a feeble sound, he looks around and finds two rats one white and another black biting the root on which the king was holding on to.…..he was in a dire state. Above the lion waiting and below the serpent was moving up….. not knowing what to do, he just looked at the sky, a few drops of honey fell on his lips from a huge tree where a honeycomb was hanging. King while savouring honey he forgets the problem……..after sometime he comes out unscathed …strange…how?

Story is a metaphor; when you are faced with situations which are beyond your control, placing your faith in the universe will help you overcome tough situations. Lion and Python represent problems and two rats represent time, day and night …..when misfortune strikes it's usually so bad your mind goes blank. At such times we despair and look up (it is symbolic). Honey is the divine intervention to assure you that difficulties will eventually get resolved but one must endure patiently.

This is how the story ends. On hearing the roar of the lion, the python comes out and fights with the lion, in the end both die. On hearing the commotion rats run away and the king comes out unhurt.

Placing faith and surrendering to a higher power is easier said than done. Our logical mind questions their rationality and refutes them as baseless. Faith is intuition in the heart. It's a higher quality than intellect and we develop it through patience and sadhana as we get wise weathering the blows of life.

Develop an emotional balance- move from restlessness to peace of mind

    

                             

It was the early 90's, myself and four friends were staying in a small house in Bangalore. One of my roommates went to the US to do masters in computer science. At that time, globalization was just round the corner. India was in the hot seat with global leaders. A lot of speculations and heated debate were happening in India about the pros and cons of globalization, more so on the negative effect. One section of people were vehemently opposing globalization, as it was thought to bring cultural change and uproot the job market and render most Indians  jobless. People argued that jobs will be taken away by foreign companies who come with deep pockets and even local businesses will collapse since they do not have the resources to fight the competition. People are worried that India  will lose freedom to capitalists and come under colonial rule. People did not have clarity and were given to  just speculation  as to how events will turn out.

 Around the same time, I received a letter from my friend who went to the US for higher studies, (those days no e-mail) narrating his culture shock while getting adjusted to American fast pace life and competitive rat race. But he was amazed to see the technological advancement and the excellent progress the US has made in education, business, Research and Development and every field of activity. He concludes in his letter, globalization is the only remedy for India to become a developed nation. 

Well, what happened after that is history, we all have seen how India progressed and the doomsayers vanished. Globalization opened up a new door of opportunities, we progressed swiftly  in all frontiers of knowledge, a strong and a new  India emerged on global scenario.

Here we are today in 2020... reaping the benefits and suffering the side effects of it.

We have lost more than what we bargained for, though materially richer  we’re today, but nonetheless morally and culturally deprived to the same extent and the side effects seem to outweigh the benefits.  There is a constant struggle and restlessness just to stay alive and create little comfort. Unmindfully we are sucked into a vortex of false prestige, jettisoning the values inherited from generations. We are restless just to keep our life going, without a clue we juggle our priorities. VUCA (Volatility,uncertainty,complexity, Ambiguity) world dictates our life. 

In Dog-eat-Dog competition, not a day goes peacefully without tension, stress and restlessness. There is a sense of emptiness inside us, we all live in a highly insecure world, constantly worried about our safety and security. Jobs are under constant threat, constantly struggling to make both ends meet. Our desires remain unfulfilled…we stretch ourselves to the limit to achieve our dreams. We set unrealistic financial targets and compromise on family time trying to achieve them.  In the process we have lost a precious thing  ……...PEACE OF MIND.

We live in  a spacious house but our minds are narrow. We possess wealth but not health, we have a lot of  acquaintances but hardly any friends. 

Mental health has taken a toll on us, Antidepressant drugs are being sold across the counter and tops the chart in drug sales. We have  grown more intolerant, slightest discomfort triggers our temper and we get into squabbles. Greed has taken over the better part of us. We  like to  amass wealth at a shortest period compromising on the means….Means should justify the end…..it’s just the opposite….we are justifying the means through our ends.

We have pop-up  street psychologists who advise you on every problem.  In every by-lanes we have astrologers  who are ready  with quickfix solutions to all your problems. The fact we are highly dependent on them, it goes to show that we are merely  educated but not intelligent..we have become easy prey for such quick fixes.

The life we are living is not the life that we want. Then what is the underlying problem?

We are in an age of materialistic, consumer and brand driven-culture, it's difficult to avoid Stress/ tension and restlessness in the modern world.

When you reflect back  you will realize the genesis of the problem.What we can do is to look inside, try and take corrective action.

All the problems emanate from mismanaging the priorities and misunderstanding of our own self.

 Because of this discord we get into all kinds of problems, like stress, tension, anxiety, neurosis and  related physiological diseases ( psychosomatic disorders). 

 Do not juggle with too many priorities,try and align in the order of its immediate impact on your life and the surroundings.

 Try to be in the present moment, if we can remind ourselves and practice regularly over a period of time your mental agitation will come down and you will become calm.

Try to be content with what you have, not that you should not aim for higher goals. Contentment brings peace of mind; you will not torture yourself to achieve the goals. This Mindset helps you achieve the desired goals and the universe also will help you. Express gratitude to the universe for the gift bestowed on you and value the gift you have received.

Recognize the purpose of life….work towards it; you will get happiness and fulfillment. 

 Meditate regularly..

I think this is the panacea for all the modern world ailments.

After all the purpose of our life is to be happy, unfortunately we search for happiness in every place except within us…….

Failure: a new perspective……….

Failure is a stepping stone to success, winning streaks comes from failure… statement or fact? We only know success begets success and failure leads to depression and loss of confidence this is what we’re taught since younger days. We we’re taught to eulogize success and scorn failure. When we fail, we feel everything is lost and we can never bounce back again. We feel we are finished for good. Psychologically it uproots our belief system and makes us lose faith in ourselves. We have been conditioned to think like that by our society and also at home. However, failure is not an end, it’s just a bend.

Today’s generations are restless to achieve success. They constantly chase success, by hook or by crook want to achieve.  Yes, to stay in the rat race and climb social ladder, success is important. However, in the hurry to achieve success in the face of mindless competition, many times they resort to short circuiting the value systems. The success one achieves through such means are temporary, not long lasting and soul satisfying.

 Whereas, failures teach you immense lessons and give a different perspective on the problem of life. As the saying goes “an empty stomach teaches more lessons than all the universities”. It's also true with failure provided you accept and look at it as a lesson. You may rest assured you will emerge successful in the future attempts.

Failure could be plinth on which you could build your edifice of success if you have learnt the lesson of embracing failure as part and parcel of success.

Failure is not the end of the road, it just gives a different perspective, provided if you look at it from a rational point of view and not succumb to play of emotions. No significant success worth mentioning has been achieved without failed attempts or repeated failures and history mirror's many examples.

Thomas Alva Edison has failed several times before he could discover the right material, tungsten….he illuminated the whole world through incandescent light bulbs….a lasting success.

Sepoy Mutiny against British rule in 1857 was a failed attempt, but it gave sufficient insight, courage and created a solid platform for freedom fighters to organize the future freedom struggle in a better way. After several failed attempts...we got independence.

Success of Mangalyaan is a shining example of success built on previous failures, ISRO partially failed on chandrayaan -1 mission, but the project team did not succumb to the avalanche of negativity heaped on them. They learnt immense lessons; through frugal and innovative engineering with precision timings made the MOM project a grand success and the whole world looked at India as champion of space programs.

Walt Disney was fired by his employer; he was told he lacks imagination and creativity. How he used this to his advantage and became world famous, it's there for all of us to see……. rest is history.

Most of us do not risk doing new things because of fear of failure and associated social stigma. Psychologically we are conditioned to think that it’s shameful to fail and failure means end of the road.

Failure strips you of your pride. Pride is a pseudo feeling that feeds on our ego. We feel hurt since ego has no fodder to feed on. Look at it dispassionately and analyze what causes you to feel so, you will get an answer. Failure has inherent lessons and it teaches you to be humble and gives you a better understanding of other side of life.

 Here are some random thoughts to overcome the burden of failure and step into the shoes of success.

❖     Each failure is a chance to grow better and wiser.

❖    Remember great achievers have failed several times before success embraced them.

❖     Your motto is to  be resilient and you must find ways to identify reasons and rectify  the issues   to bounce back.

❖     Do not hold on to the pain for long, don't succumb to play of emotions, do some reality check. Go to the root cause of failure and address it (many tools available for root cause analysis).

❖     Relook at the goals; many times we do not set the realistic achievable goals.

❖     Think of changing the approach….

❖     Have positive affirmation and never keep ruminating about your failures.

  “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts”…..Winstun churchil