6 Easy ways to deal with changes in life:

6 easy ways to deal with change and stay happy without Stress and Anxiety 

 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be the reality. Let things flow naturally in whatever way they like.”- Lao Tzu

Change is inevitable and it’s the law of nature. Everything in life is continuously changing-  it may be the seasons, the economy, the politics, your friends, family, society, relationships, and the physical body.

 We experience change in every walk of life, human nature is such, we accept happily if the change is in alignment with our desire or resist if it doesn't meet our expectations. When you resist you develop stress and anxiety.

“Change” is an important subject, reams of books and articles have been written about it. “Change Management” is a hot topic in management circles, periodically managers are trained and retrained to manage change with minimal impact on productivity.

“Cultural change” is very important for societal health and it is a very hard process. If society has to evolve and become more civilized, it needs to undergo many transformations by refining and adapting the old practices to new ways of thinking. Given the fact that some people are reluctant to change,  understandably it is a herculean task to educate them to shed the unwanted cultural practices that are not relevant to present times.  Transition to the new mindset and new practices takes years or decades of hard work, as people are psychologically fixated on doing things in a certain way, and hence educating them to realize the bad implications takes a very long time.

Many times mere educating doesn’t work, We need to enforce change through legal reforms. It’s incumbent on govt to bring in necessary acts. A good example is the way Raja Ram Mohan Roy worked for banning SATI practice.

The crux to deal with change is to have the willingness to adapt to a new situation, however, there is always an inherent resistance in us for change. 

Let's examine Change and how to deal with it.

Broadly we experience two types of change.

1) Changes  that you want to initiate(personal change)

2) Changes that are imposed on you.

                               

Changes that you want to bring in life;

The changes you want to see or bring in your life are mostly a personal one. The examples below indicate the changes you wish to have.

1) You are stuck in a dead-end job and want to change the job and progress in your career.

2) You have difficulty in managing emotions, and that’s spoiling your relations. So you intend to bring in greater emotional stability, so that you can have a better family relationship.

3) You would like to have a better financial status. You change your spendthrift habit to a careful and calculated spender, also you will try to increase your ability to earn more by taking up a  part-time job.

4) You want to be in better health and burn that extra flab around your waist. You work on changing diet and routine by increasing activities.

We embrace the change wholeheartedly if the desired change comes true.

However, many times the change we desire may not materialize, instead, we may get something just opposite of it, then we start cribbing and show a great reluctance.  

When a change is not in our favor we step back and resist. We must understand the reality doesn’t change,  we cannot fight reality forever. Sooner we accept, sooner we get back to the flow and gain peace of mind.

However, apart from personal change, some people want to bring in changes in society through reforms or by philanthropic acts,  It is a selfless act which helps humanity at large.

Changes that are imposed on us:

Some changes in life catch you off guard, and you get bewildered by the sudden jolts of change,  Examples;  Natural calamities like earthquakes, pandemics, tsunami, and fire. Others like accidents and blunders.

Similarly, an unexpected turn of events can lead to a  pleasant change,  it excites and makes us happy,  as the unexpected turn of events(a pleasant change) falls in line with our desire.

Example;  Winning a lottery, a surprise promotion, a beautiful, expensive costly gift by someone you love, a good profit despite business odds. Smoothening of strained relations, return of estranged love..etc  you will be in cloud nine and feel the luck has landed on your lap.

 Many times we are not so lucky to get pleasant results. We face huge challenges when sudden jolts of change push us off the ground.

I heard this story when I was a kid. The story is about a sprinter who had dreams of becoming a national champion. He was a great sprinter, hard-working, and smart sports person. He had won many accolades at the state level and he was preparing to enter the national arena.

On a fatal day, he was walking back home on the pavement after the evening practice session, a speeding car lost control and rammed him from behind. The impact was very bad he was thrown up in the air and fell a few meters away unconscious.

When he regained consciousness, he was shocked to see one of his legs amputated due to severe damage.  He was shocked, wept inconsolably …..cried aloud and shouted,…after some time he calmed down and reconciled  ………His dream got shattered, he had to live with one leg……..life changed forever.

Another incident; Lovers got married after a long courtship, it was a dream come true for them. Their love story was like a  fairy tale, everything was hunky-dory. She conceived and happiness knew no bounds family did a very grand baby shower function, the whole family was excited about the child’s arrival. Unfortunately, She gave birth to a spastic child. They were shocked, and couldn’t believe this  could happen to them….dark clouds shrouded their minds ….and life changed forever.

We have heard and seen many such stories where life has turned 360-degree either for better or for worse.

Below i have given  6 way of dealing change with ease without getting in to  anxiety and stress  

Developing the subtle art of managing change without resistance is very important.

Resisting change is resisting reality, instead of going against the truth, try to befriend the fact of life.

1)  Be open and flexible for change;

 Being flexible and open to change gives us an ability to develop a new perspective, and naturally, you get clarity of mind,  clarity enables us to accept the change without resistance.

Example: When you are transferred to a new project.  

The immediate response is NO, we quickly start contemplating on  Pro’s and Con’s, more so on Con’s.  Our antennas go up and catch the wrong signals, We become defensive and stressful and shut our minds. If we accept with an open mind keeping aside the overthinking mind or anxiety,  in all probabilities, we will recognize the inherent opportunities for growth and learning.

2) Analyze the reason for resistance:

Resistance stems from fear of the unknown, it may be due to wrong influence by friends, colleagues, parents, and society, and also due to faulty belief systems. So learn to analyze deeply and take a prudent decision.

Let’s continue with the above example:  Little analysis indicates the  reason for your fear is due to   moving out of the comfort zone, it can also be working with the new boss and colleagues, fear losing the skills that you have mastered.

If you further break down every reason and analyze, you will come to know the reality is not as threatening as you made out in your mind.

Ex:  fear of moving out of comfort zone:  It is not possible to be in the comfort zone forever however, the same zone can become a battleground after a while. That’s the reality. So take a  wise step to accept the change and move on.

3) Stop Judging;

Don’t judge the situation through the lens of your experience. Try to be cautious, but don’t be obsessed.  You don’t need to go through the same experience again as situations are dynamic. So take a fresh look and come out of your prejudices.  You never know, change may spiral you into higher orbits.

4) Learn to let go;

Life doesn’t happen the way we expect or hope for. Holding onto the desire stubbornly is futile to change reality. Learn to let go and embrace change wholeheartedly. You may have to compromise a bit initially, but it is worth taking an action than remaining in the state limbo.

5) Talk to your close people;

When confusion clouds your mind, and you are unable to cope with change and take the decision, Seek help from your trusted people;  they may be your friends, spouse, colleagues, father, mother, brother, or sisters. They can dole out a sensible suggestions and help you resolve the issues.

6) Mindfulness Meditation;

Start practicing mindfulness mediation, initially go for guided meditation later you can do on your own. Mindfulness helps in calming your mind and gives good clarity in the thought process.

Mindfulness brings down stress and anxiety level to a great extent and helps you to cope with the change easily and transitions to new Change will be normal and happy. 

Let’s change for better…..

 

How to overcome Fear of Exam.

Tips for students to overcome  and say good bye to exam fear

I remember a story which I feel worth telling before we get on with the subject, it is a prelude to the discussion...The story goes like this….

A little boy was happily skating in a large space; He had only recently learnt to skate and was enjoying every stroke of deft footwork he was making as he maneuver his way zooming past his friends.

His mother, worried about his safety, watched over him continuously waving her hand and shouting instructions.

As he was having a jolly time skating, he noticed a small shadow forming behind him. But he neglected it for a while and lost in the fun he was having skating. But soon shadow began to loom so large as to threaten to swallow him. The boy got scared out of his wits and began to run. But it was a futile run as the grisly shadow overwhelmed him and swallowed him. The monstrous shadow that always lurked in him was his fear of exams.

 The above narrative is a metaphor. As normal kids, we’re naturally fearless, joyful, and very confident spontaneously indulging in our passions but somewhere along, the society, parents, and the system came up with their false demands and expectations on us and effectively sowed the seeds of fear of failure in the child. Fear of failure because it’s an artificial demand unrelated to natural talent oriented towards our passion. This is the origin of the fear of exams that grows from bugbear to a monster that sometimes terrorizes hapless kids to even suicide.

It’s not uncommon to feel the fear just before and during  exams. Every student must have gone through this phase experiencing the mild to severe form of fear. As per the study, 30% to 40% of the students suffer severely and 30% moderately and the rest of the students experience a mild form of fear.

Let’s find out the reason for the fear and also ways to deal with it.

What is the Genesis of Fear?

         1. Pressure from parents:

Parents pressurize kids just to keep up with false prestige. Sadly, the parents never consider the natural/special talent the kid has for something within or outside academics, but they force the kid to follow someone's success story and practice herd mentality without understanding the child's potential, likes and dislikes. Parents are wrongly influenced by neighbors and relatives. The continuous pressure on the child creates negative thought patterns that culminate in developing anxiety, tension, and loss of self-confidence.

2. Teachers:

Education is not accumulation of information but character building.

 Teachers are the best architects building child’s character.

They play a key role in the overall development of the child. They are the role models should lead by their examples.Such teachers  have a huge influence on kid's behavior. However, a teacher  can make or break confidence of a child. Some teachers instead of motivating and creating a competitive spirit, criticize the child’s abilities, and make an unfair comparison with other students. Such remarks impact them negatively and dent their confidence.

3.Peer pressure:

Peer pressure is a high influencer and affects the behavior pattern; it is good to have a little pressure as it helps to develop a competitive spirit. Students get confused when the peer influence is not in alignment with personal growth agenda or development. They remain clueless about the future course of action and, naturally, stress builds up.

 4. Lack of planning and preparation:

No significant achievement is worth mentioning without planning and preparation. They are the two important steps in effectively achieving the goal. Some students lack planning & preparation mainly because of casual attitude and lethargy, added to that they get misguided by the friends and seniors. They happily while away  time only to realize that exams are at the doorsteps and in a hurry begin last-minute crash preparation that only ends up in a big mess.

5. Lack of confidence:

If faith can move mountains, confidence can shatter them.

Confidence can break the unbreakable, that’s the power of confidence. When aspiration of students don’t match with expectations of parents  and society, added to that if he is being bombarded with  negative affirmations and criticized for some gaps in life affects them negatively, and  the student may gradually lose confidence. The feeling of unfit or that he is a misfit begins to take hold of him.

 What are the symptoms of fear of exams:

Symptoms range from simple anxiety to panic attacks and in rare cases, the students may resort to the extreme step of committing suicide.

We can classify symptoms in 3 parts.

1. Physical Symptoms: Physical symptoms are the first manifestation of anxiety neurosis.

Symptoms include, heavy sweating, giddiness, diarrhea, short of breathe, palpitation and butterflies in the stomach, and dry mouth.

2. Emotional Symptoms: Feelings of anger,  hatred, disappointment,helplessness, loneliness and loss of confidence are some of the emotional symptoms.

3.Cognitive and Behavioural symptoms: Finding tough to understand the subject, negative thinking, difficulty in concentration, inability to recall the subject.

During my college days, some of my studious friends, who meticulously planned & prepared (even during my PG course) for the examination much in advance had either scored less marks or flunked in the exams. The obvious reason was mental pressure which they couldn't cope with, they lost self-confidence and miserably failed to perform in the exam.

Students undergo tremendous tension in the exam hall, they perspire a lot, when writing the answer their hands' tremor and vision becomes hazy, sometimes negative thoughts flood the minds. Imagination runs riot on the possibility of getting tough questions and subsequent consequences. When the question paper is received, it appears like a death warrant.  All these symptoms ultimately take a toll on the students.

The above symptoms add up to distress and bring down the student’s confidence level. So, it’s time for us to look seriously at some tangible solutions to come out of fear and perform better.

 

a.       Physical preparation:

Being physically fit is an important aspect to keep your energy level high. A fragile & sick body is a big hindrance to performance. It’s imperative to focus and work on your health:  Follow a good diet regime, sleep adequately, and do small stretching exercises to increase   flexibility and tone up the  muscles. Exercise  ensures a continuous flow of positive energy to the brain. Regular exercises help in releasing good hormones and keep your mood elevated.

 b. Mental Preparation:

“A sound mind resides in a sound body”. Now it’s time to take care of our mind.

Mind is a powerful tool, it can do wonderful things provided you learn how to harness and use it to your advantage. Mind is susceptible to suggestions whether positive or negative it creates a lasting impression.

We need to feed our mind with positive suggestions through affirmation: like, I am confident, I am capable,  I am not stressed, I will score good marks. Keep feeding your mind and see the magic.

Avoid stress:  Identify the cause of stress and work on it.  Example: Your effort to score better marks than one of your friends (Secretly harbor in your heart) causes stress, the effect is, you frequently forget or fail to recall the subject.

Action point: Work on reducing stress by doing meditation and breathing exercises, which help in calming your mind and enhances your memory. Work on solving puzzles which increases your grasping ability and concentration. Find ways to beat the competition. 

                     c. Study Preparation:

“Plan your work and workout your plan” should be the motto.

We are good at planning but when it comes to putting it in action we fail miserably

Few tips below may help you to plan and execute without much stress.

      a)   Make a realistic time table well before the exam.
b)   Devote each day to cover all the subjects.
c)   Identify which subject you need to improve and focus more on it.
d)  Try to solve the previous year's question papers.
e)  Pick the right time for your studies, for some early morning suits better and they can concentrate, for some late-night study suits, however, make sure you get adequate sleep.
f)   Make brief notes and highlight the points in the highlighter, these points help you during revision.
g)  Ask for help in case if you are unable to focus or understand the subject.
h)  Rule 2-2-2 should work better: Study two times, Write two times and Revise two times.( SWR -rule works better with ration 2-2-2. However, you can be flexible as per your convenience)

This sums up the exam fear. Just want to reiterate once again as a parting note. Society, parents and teachers play a pivotal role in molding child’s future and hence you need to be careful in your words and actions.  Inspire..Encourage and Empower them.

“If you are planning for a year sow a rice: if you are planning for a decade sow a tree: if you are planning for  a lifetime educate people”.

 

5 Tips to come out of inferiority complex

Self-help guide to deal with inferiority complex;  A mindful process 

Opposite to my house, there is a playground, after school hours kids come and play there till 6.30 pm or 7 pm. They have lots of fun and enjoy it thoroughly.  It is nice to watch kids playing, they play with full energy; They giggle, they shout, they fight, and reconcile quickly, laugh, and roll on the ground. It is so refreshing to watch them in action!!  I love to join and have fun with the kids whenever I find the time or happened to pass through the ground.

Shyam is a 5^th  standard boy and he comes to the ground every day but never participates in any of the games. He sits in the corner and keeps looking at the other kids and never utters a word to anybody. At sharp 6.30 pm, he rushes back home. He looks fragile, hesitant, and timid.

Out of curiosity, I  observed   Shyam ( very cute kid)  for a couple of days and I asked his friends, “why is he not joining you guys” or “are you guys bullying him? not allowing him to play with you” ( Kids politics).

 Kids told me “no….. no …no… we invited him several times but refuse to talk to us and doesn't want to play”.

One day I stopped Shyam and asked him, why he is not playing with his friends. Asked him if anybody is bullying you? Teasing you?  Asked many questions……., but he never looked at my face and with his head down he muttered something in a stammering voice and ran off.

Later I found out, he has an inferiority complex due to his stammering problem and he avoids mingling with friends and relatives since they tease and mock him for not being able to speak normally. Even in school, teachers and classmates make fun of him.

He sits quietly never mingles nor talks to anyone in the school. He scores well in academics, never socializes, shies away, and wouldn't open up easily.

Kids are very sensitive and emotionally fragile, they develop an inferiority complex very fast. They are vulnerable and shy, even a small incident can trigger a feeling of unworthiness.

Inferiority complex is set of belief we hold about us, where we value ourselves less in comparison with the other person.

Consciously or unconsciously we have the habit of comparing ourselves with others and feel low self-esteem for not measuring up to their standards. In the process, psychologically we amplify our weakness and regret than focusing on the strengths.

Why do people develop the Inferiority Complex?

1. Highly critical parents admonishing the kids and saying  “you are stupid”   “you can’t do,  “ you are waste” etc induce the kids to  internalize these affirmations which they’re likely to carry for the rest of lives.

 This gets lodged in the psyche and they become timid and introverts and most of them shirk responsibilities.

 2.  Poverty is a strong reason for kids to develop low self-esteem, withdraw from society, and remain aloof.

 3.    3. Childhood abuses, bullying by friends constant reminders about the limitations and comparison with others.

        4. Stress at school to get the grade, and comparison with other students by teachers creates fear in the kids for           being  "looked down upon”.

        5.  Physical conditions: Stammering, skin colour, being thin or fat, and physical challenges push them to the pit of inferiority complex.

All of us have indeed gone through the bout of inferiority complex at some point in life followed by an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and social withdrawal.

Adults are a little less complex, they develop an inferiority complex when they can’t reach their goal, it may be financial or career-related..etc

Family issues are a  major cause; an unsupportive spouse, nagging by in-laws, wayward kids, stressful siblings, financial constraints, etc can push you towards inferiority complex.

Dumping by loved one’s and repeatedly going through troubled relationships are the other likely triggers.

Signs of Inferiority complex:

1. Lack of confidence.

2.Staying aloof.

3.Feeling of worthless

4.Anxiety, Jealousy 

5.Always critical about others

6.Negative thinking.

7 Sometimes you strive heavily to compensate and over strain yourself.

 How to overcome Inferiority complex: Few pointers

Inferiority complex if left unattended or adequate care is not given to treat, it will have a deep impact on one’s personality development. They struggle with inadequacy feeling in the later stages of life or sometimes they carry the feeling throughout life and they become a puzzle to themselves and as well for others.

Let’s look at it holistically. To overcome the problem we have to have a 360-degree approach; which includes a good support system from parents, teachers, and friends, and the WILL of the person.

As parents, they need to be cautious and stop being critical. Understand no two individuals are born with the same ability and they are unique in their potential. A child may not have the ability in one field, but he can certainly score a brownie point in some other area.

We should not focus on  the weaknesses, instead,  focus on strengths and make him aware of them while subtly reminding him to correct the areas of inadequacy.

Mukesh Ambani once said” our father trained us to focus on the target not on the obstacles”

Focusing on obstacles would mean focusing on our weaknesses.

Physical challenges may cripple a person for a lifetime, we should support him and make him concentrate on the other healthy faculties of his body.

Following 5 tips helps to overcome the problems

   1.     We are all inferior in some ways.

 

Ø  The basic funda;  Everyone is inferior to someone in some ways.

Ø  Contrary; everyone is superior to someone in some ways

Ø  No one is complete, everyone has flaws.

Ø  Don’t become self-conscious about your flaws and magnify them.

Ø  Everyone is a combination of positive attributes and flaws.

 

2.    2.  Do root cause analysis:

Dive deep in it to root of the problem to find the solution. Surprisingly, the study reveals that more than 60% of the time inferiority complex due to prejudices. Less than 40%  have a genuine cause. Unfortunately, we don’t take corrective action but just gloss over the problem, thereby creating a more complex situation.

             Reflect on why you feel inferior.

Ø  Is it childhood trauma.

Ø  You feel inferior to smart people

Ø  You feel inferior to people who have more money

Ø  Do you feel inferior in front of successful people?

Start writing down all the points and zero down on the cause, and you weigh the cause( flaws) against your strengths. I bet It is going to be a moment of epiphany.

3.     3. Stop comparing with others;

Consciously or unconsciously we try to compare ourselves with someone whom  society considers as good, but  when we are unable to meet the expectations we start feeling inferior. Follow simple rules 

Ø  You take them as role models

Ø  Look for the right attributes

Ø  Do not imitate

Ø  Inculcate the attributes

 

4.     4. Build Self Confidence:

Self-Confidence is the key to get over the problem. Developing self-confidence requires you to think positively and not to compare with others. However, try to become a better version of yourself. Work to create success milestones for building self-confidence. Develop the metrics to measure your self-confidence and strive towards achieving it. This requires a lot of patience and discipline.

 Example: You lack confidence in speaking to a group of people. You have the skill but lack confidence due to the inferiority complex you’ve developed for some reason.

The first steps in building Self-Confidence are;

Ø  Believe you can do.

Ø  Observe how people talk; body language, accent, communication level

Ø  Identify what you lack.

 

Action Points:

Ø  Talk to a few individuals and improve your confidence level.

Ø  Check your communication skill and clarity

Ø  Slowly address little larger gathering ( 3 to 4 people)

Ø  Check  your progress ( version-2)

Ø  Keep repeating it for the next 21 days. You’ll find amazing results.

                Similarly, you can work on other problem areas.

 

5.   5.  Sub-conscious programming and Hypnotherapy:

In chronic cases,  when the person is stuck in an emotional trauma feeling low and depressed. When well-being and overall development is at stake, in such cases, sub-conscious mind programming and Hypnotherapy helps to overcome the problem. You have to take the professional's help.

 Subconscious mind reprogramming is very effective to boost self-confidence and transition to a strong personality.

Life is a journey from imperfection to perfection, the roads are bumpy and full of  impediment, don’t sulk, move on with tenacity and embrace the life of confidence, success, and serenity