6 Easy ways to deal with changes in life:

6 easy ways to deal with change and stay happy without Stress and Anxiety 

 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be the reality. Let things flow naturally in whatever way they like.”- Lao Tzu

Change is inevitable and it’s the law of nature. Everything in life is continuously changing-  it may be the seasons, the economy, the politics, your friends, family, society, relationships, and the physical body.

 We experience change in every walk of life, human nature is such, we accept happily if the change is in alignment with our desire or resist if it doesn't meet our expectations. When you resist you develop stress and anxiety.

“Change” is an important subject, reams of books and articles have been written about it. “Change Management” is a hot topic in management circles, periodically managers are trained and retrained to manage change with minimal impact on productivity.

“Cultural change” is very important for societal health and it is a very hard process. If society has to evolve and become more civilized, it needs to undergo many transformations by refining and adapting the old practices to new ways of thinking. Given the fact that some people are reluctant to change,  understandably it is a herculean task to educate them to shed the unwanted cultural practices that are not relevant to present times.  Transition to the new mindset and new practices takes years or decades of hard work, as people are psychologically fixated on doing things in a certain way, and hence educating them to realize the bad implications takes a very long time.

Many times mere educating doesn’t work, We need to enforce change through legal reforms. It’s incumbent on govt to bring in necessary acts. A good example is the way Raja Ram Mohan Roy worked for banning SATI practice.

The crux to deal with change is to have the willingness to adapt to a new situation, however, there is always an inherent resistance in us for change. 

Let's examine Change and how to deal with it.

Broadly we experience two types of change.

1) Changes  that you want to initiate(personal change)

2) Changes that are imposed on you.

                               

Changes that you want to bring in life;

The changes you want to see or bring in your life are mostly a personal one. The examples below indicate the changes you wish to have.

1) You are stuck in a dead-end job and want to change the job and progress in your career.

2) You have difficulty in managing emotions, and that’s spoiling your relations. So you intend to bring in greater emotional stability, so that you can have a better family relationship.

3) You would like to have a better financial status. You change your spendthrift habit to a careful and calculated spender, also you will try to increase your ability to earn more by taking up a  part-time job.

4) You want to be in better health and burn that extra flab around your waist. You work on changing diet and routine by increasing activities.

We embrace the change wholeheartedly if the desired change comes true.

However, many times the change we desire may not materialize, instead, we may get something just opposite of it, then we start cribbing and show a great reluctance.  

When a change is not in our favor we step back and resist. We must understand the reality doesn’t change,  we cannot fight reality forever. Sooner we accept, sooner we get back to the flow and gain peace of mind.

However, apart from personal change, some people want to bring in changes in society through reforms or by philanthropic acts,  It is a selfless act which helps humanity at large.

Changes that are imposed on us:

Some changes in life catch you off guard, and you get bewildered by the sudden jolts of change,  Examples;  Natural calamities like earthquakes, pandemics, tsunami, and fire. Others like accidents and blunders.

Similarly, an unexpected turn of events can lead to a  pleasant change,  it excites and makes us happy,  as the unexpected turn of events(a pleasant change) falls in line with our desire.

Example;  Winning a lottery, a surprise promotion, a beautiful, expensive costly gift by someone you love, a good profit despite business odds. Smoothening of strained relations, return of estranged love..etc  you will be in cloud nine and feel the luck has landed on your lap.

 Many times we are not so lucky to get pleasant results. We face huge challenges when sudden jolts of change push us off the ground.

I heard this story when I was a kid. The story is about a sprinter who had dreams of becoming a national champion. He was a great sprinter, hard-working, and smart sports person. He had won many accolades at the state level and he was preparing to enter the national arena.

On a fatal day, he was walking back home on the pavement after the evening practice session, a speeding car lost control and rammed him from behind. The impact was very bad he was thrown up in the air and fell a few meters away unconscious.

When he regained consciousness, he was shocked to see one of his legs amputated due to severe damage.  He was shocked, wept inconsolably …..cried aloud and shouted,…after some time he calmed down and reconciled  ………His dream got shattered, he had to live with one leg……..life changed forever.

Another incident; Lovers got married after a long courtship, it was a dream come true for them. Their love story was like a  fairy tale, everything was hunky-dory. She conceived and happiness knew no bounds family did a very grand baby shower function, the whole family was excited about the child’s arrival. Unfortunately, She gave birth to a spastic child. They were shocked, and couldn’t believe this  could happen to them….dark clouds shrouded their minds ….and life changed forever.

We have heard and seen many such stories where life has turned 360-degree either for better or for worse.

Below i have given  6 way of dealing change with ease without getting in to  anxiety and stress  

Developing the subtle art of managing change without resistance is very important.

Resisting change is resisting reality, instead of going against the truth, try to befriend the fact of life.

1)  Be open and flexible for change;

 Being flexible and open to change gives us an ability to develop a new perspective, and naturally, you get clarity of mind,  clarity enables us to accept the change without resistance.

Example: When you are transferred to a new project.  

The immediate response is NO, we quickly start contemplating on  Pro’s and Con’s, more so on Con’s.  Our antennas go up and catch the wrong signals, We become defensive and stressful and shut our minds. If we accept with an open mind keeping aside the overthinking mind or anxiety,  in all probabilities, we will recognize the inherent opportunities for growth and learning.

2) Analyze the reason for resistance:

Resistance stems from fear of the unknown, it may be due to wrong influence by friends, colleagues, parents, and society, and also due to faulty belief systems. So learn to analyze deeply and take a prudent decision.

Let’s continue with the above example:  Little analysis indicates the  reason for your fear is due to   moving out of the comfort zone, it can also be working with the new boss and colleagues, fear losing the skills that you have mastered.

If you further break down every reason and analyze, you will come to know the reality is not as threatening as you made out in your mind.

Ex:  fear of moving out of comfort zone:  It is not possible to be in the comfort zone forever however, the same zone can become a battleground after a while. That’s the reality. So take a  wise step to accept the change and move on.

3) Stop Judging;

Don’t judge the situation through the lens of your experience. Try to be cautious, but don’t be obsessed.  You don’t need to go through the same experience again as situations are dynamic. So take a fresh look and come out of your prejudices.  You never know, change may spiral you into higher orbits.

4) Learn to let go;

Life doesn’t happen the way we expect or hope for. Holding onto the desire stubbornly is futile to change reality. Learn to let go and embrace change wholeheartedly. You may have to compromise a bit initially, but it is worth taking an action than remaining in the state limbo.

5) Talk to your close people;

When confusion clouds your mind, and you are unable to cope with change and take the decision, Seek help from your trusted people;  they may be your friends, spouse, colleagues, father, mother, brother, or sisters. They can dole out a sensible suggestions and help you resolve the issues.

6) Mindfulness Meditation;

Start practicing mindfulness mediation, initially go for guided meditation later you can do on your own. Mindfulness helps in calming your mind and gives good clarity in the thought process.

Mindfulness brings down stress and anxiety level to a great extent and helps you to cope with the change easily and transitions to new Change will be normal and happy. 

Let’s change for better…..

 

How to overcome Fear of Exam.

Tips for students to overcome  and say good bye to exam fear

I remember a story which I feel worth telling before we get on with the subject, it is a prelude to the discussion...The story goes like this….

A little boy was happily skating in a large space; He had only recently learnt to skate and was enjoying every stroke of deft footwork he was making as he maneuver his way zooming past his friends.

His mother, worried about his safety, watched over him continuously waving her hand and shouting instructions.

As he was having a jolly time skating, he noticed a small shadow forming behind him. But he neglected it for a while and lost in the fun he was having skating. But soon shadow began to loom so large as to threaten to swallow him. The boy got scared out of his wits and began to run. But it was a futile run as the grisly shadow overwhelmed him and swallowed him. The monstrous shadow that always lurked in him was his fear of exams.

 The above narrative is a metaphor. As normal kids, we’re naturally fearless, joyful, and very confident spontaneously indulging in our passions but somewhere along, the society, parents, and the system came up with their false demands and expectations on us and effectively sowed the seeds of fear of failure in the child. Fear of failure because it’s an artificial demand unrelated to natural talent oriented towards our passion. This is the origin of the fear of exams that grows from bugbear to a monster that sometimes terrorizes hapless kids to even suicide.

It’s not uncommon to feel the fear just before and during  exams. Every student must have gone through this phase experiencing the mild to severe form of fear. As per the study, 30% to 40% of the students suffer severely and 30% moderately and the rest of the students experience a mild form of fear.

Let’s find out the reason for the fear and also ways to deal with it.

What is the Genesis of Fear?

         1. Pressure from parents:

Parents pressurize kids just to keep up with false prestige. Sadly, the parents never consider the natural/special talent the kid has for something within or outside academics, but they force the kid to follow someone's success story and practice herd mentality without understanding the child's potential, likes and dislikes. Parents are wrongly influenced by neighbors and relatives. The continuous pressure on the child creates negative thought patterns that culminate in developing anxiety, tension, and loss of self-confidence.

2. Teachers:

Education is not accumulation of information but character building.

 Teachers are the best architects building child’s character.

They play a key role in the overall development of the child. They are the role models should lead by their examples.Such teachers  have a huge influence on kid's behavior. However, a teacher  can make or break confidence of a child. Some teachers instead of motivating and creating a competitive spirit, criticize the child’s abilities, and make an unfair comparison with other students. Such remarks impact them negatively and dent their confidence.

3.Peer pressure:

Peer pressure is a high influencer and affects the behavior pattern; it is good to have a little pressure as it helps to develop a competitive spirit. Students get confused when the peer influence is not in alignment with personal growth agenda or development. They remain clueless about the future course of action and, naturally, stress builds up.

 4. Lack of planning and preparation:

No significant achievement is worth mentioning without planning and preparation. They are the two important steps in effectively achieving the goal. Some students lack planning & preparation mainly because of casual attitude and lethargy, added to that they get misguided by the friends and seniors. They happily while away  time only to realize that exams are at the doorsteps and in a hurry begin last-minute crash preparation that only ends up in a big mess.

5. Lack of confidence:

If faith can move mountains, confidence can shatter them.

Confidence can break the unbreakable, that’s the power of confidence. When aspiration of students don’t match with expectations of parents  and society, added to that if he is being bombarded with  negative affirmations and criticized for some gaps in life affects them negatively, and  the student may gradually lose confidence. The feeling of unfit or that he is a misfit begins to take hold of him.

 What are the symptoms of fear of exams:

Symptoms range from simple anxiety to panic attacks and in rare cases, the students may resort to the extreme step of committing suicide.

We can classify symptoms in 3 parts.

1. Physical Symptoms: Physical symptoms are the first manifestation of anxiety neurosis.

Symptoms include, heavy sweating, giddiness, diarrhea, short of breathe, palpitation and butterflies in the stomach, and dry mouth.

2. Emotional Symptoms: Feelings of anger,  hatred, disappointment,helplessness, loneliness and loss of confidence are some of the emotional symptoms.

3.Cognitive and Behavioural symptoms: Finding tough to understand the subject, negative thinking, difficulty in concentration, inability to recall the subject.

During my college days, some of my studious friends, who meticulously planned & prepared (even during my PG course) for the examination much in advance had either scored less marks or flunked in the exams. The obvious reason was mental pressure which they couldn't cope with, they lost self-confidence and miserably failed to perform in the exam.

Students undergo tremendous tension in the exam hall, they perspire a lot, when writing the answer their hands' tremor and vision becomes hazy, sometimes negative thoughts flood the minds. Imagination runs riot on the possibility of getting tough questions and subsequent consequences. When the question paper is received, it appears like a death warrant.  All these symptoms ultimately take a toll on the students.

The above symptoms add up to distress and bring down the student’s confidence level. So, it’s time for us to look seriously at some tangible solutions to come out of fear and perform better.

 

a.       Physical preparation:

Being physically fit is an important aspect to keep your energy level high. A fragile & sick body is a big hindrance to performance. It’s imperative to focus and work on your health:  Follow a good diet regime, sleep adequately, and do small stretching exercises to increase   flexibility and tone up the  muscles. Exercise  ensures a continuous flow of positive energy to the brain. Regular exercises help in releasing good hormones and keep your mood elevated.

 b. Mental Preparation:

“A sound mind resides in a sound body”. Now it’s time to take care of our mind.

Mind is a powerful tool, it can do wonderful things provided you learn how to harness and use it to your advantage. Mind is susceptible to suggestions whether positive or negative it creates a lasting impression.

We need to feed our mind with positive suggestions through affirmation: like, I am confident, I am capable,  I am not stressed, I will score good marks. Keep feeding your mind and see the magic.

Avoid stress:  Identify the cause of stress and work on it.  Example: Your effort to score better marks than one of your friends (Secretly harbor in your heart) causes stress, the effect is, you frequently forget or fail to recall the subject.

Action point: Work on reducing stress by doing meditation and breathing exercises, which help in calming your mind and enhances your memory. Work on solving puzzles which increases your grasping ability and concentration. Find ways to beat the competition. 

                     c. Study Preparation:

“Plan your work and workout your plan” should be the motto.

We are good at planning but when it comes to putting it in action we fail miserably

Few tips below may help you to plan and execute without much stress.

      a)   Make a realistic time table well before the exam.
b)   Devote each day to cover all the subjects.
c)   Identify which subject you need to improve and focus more on it.
d)  Try to solve the previous year's question papers.
e)  Pick the right time for your studies, for some early morning suits better and they can concentrate, for some late-night study suits, however, make sure you get adequate sleep.
f)   Make brief notes and highlight the points in the highlighter, these points help you during revision.
g)  Ask for help in case if you are unable to focus or understand the subject.
h)  Rule 2-2-2 should work better: Study two times, Write two times and Revise two times.( SWR -rule works better with ration 2-2-2. However, you can be flexible as per your convenience)

This sums up the exam fear. Just want to reiterate once again as a parting note. Society, parents and teachers play a pivotal role in molding child’s future and hence you need to be careful in your words and actions.  Inspire..Encourage and Empower them.

“If you are planning for a year sow a rice: if you are planning for a decade sow a tree: if you are planning for  a lifetime educate people”.

 

5 Tips to come out of inferiority complex

Self-help guide to deal with inferiority complex;  A mindful process 

Opposite to my house, there is a playground, after school hours kids come and play there till 6.30 pm or 7 pm. They have lots of fun and enjoy it thoroughly.  It is nice to watch kids playing, they play with full energy; They giggle, they shout, they fight, and reconcile quickly, laugh, and roll on the ground. It is so refreshing to watch them in action!!  I love to join and have fun with the kids whenever I find the time or happened to pass through the ground.

Shyam is a 5^th  standard boy and he comes to the ground every day but never participates in any of the games. He sits in the corner and keeps looking at the other kids and never utters a word to anybody. At sharp 6.30 pm, he rushes back home. He looks fragile, hesitant, and timid.

Out of curiosity, I  observed   Shyam ( very cute kid)  for a couple of days and I asked his friends, “why is he not joining you guys” or “are you guys bullying him? not allowing him to play with you” ( Kids politics).

 Kids told me “no….. no …no… we invited him several times but refuse to talk to us and doesn't want to play”.

One day I stopped Shyam and asked him, why he is not playing with his friends. Asked him if anybody is bullying you? Teasing you?  Asked many questions……., but he never looked at my face and with his head down he muttered something in a stammering voice and ran off.

Later I found out, he has an inferiority complex due to his stammering problem and he avoids mingling with friends and relatives since they tease and mock him for not being able to speak normally. Even in school, teachers and classmates make fun of him.

He sits quietly never mingles nor talks to anyone in the school. He scores well in academics, never socializes, shies away, and wouldn't open up easily.

Kids are very sensitive and emotionally fragile, they develop an inferiority complex very fast. They are vulnerable and shy, even a small incident can trigger a feeling of unworthiness.

Inferiority complex is set of belief we hold about us, where we value ourselves less in comparison with the other person.

Consciously or unconsciously we have the habit of comparing ourselves with others and feel low self-esteem for not measuring up to their standards. In the process, psychologically we amplify our weakness and regret than focusing on the strengths.

Why do people develop the Inferiority Complex?

1. Highly critical parents admonishing the kids and saying  “you are stupid”   “you can’t do,  “ you are waste” etc induce the kids to  internalize these affirmations which they’re likely to carry for the rest of lives.

 This gets lodged in the psyche and they become timid and introverts and most of them shirk responsibilities.

 2.  Poverty is a strong reason for kids to develop low self-esteem, withdraw from society, and remain aloof.

 3.    3. Childhood abuses, bullying by friends constant reminders about the limitations and comparison with others.

        4. Stress at school to get the grade, and comparison with other students by teachers creates fear in the kids for           being  "looked down upon”.

        5.  Physical conditions: Stammering, skin colour, being thin or fat, and physical challenges push them to the pit of inferiority complex.

All of us have indeed gone through the bout of inferiority complex at some point in life followed by an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and social withdrawal.

Adults are a little less complex, they develop an inferiority complex when they can’t reach their goal, it may be financial or career-related..etc

Family issues are a  major cause; an unsupportive spouse, nagging by in-laws, wayward kids, stressful siblings, financial constraints, etc can push you towards inferiority complex.

Dumping by loved one’s and repeatedly going through troubled relationships are the other likely triggers.

Signs of Inferiority complex:

1. Lack of confidence.

2.Staying aloof.

3.Feeling of worthless

4.Anxiety, Jealousy 

5.Always critical about others

6.Negative thinking.

7 Sometimes you strive heavily to compensate and over strain yourself.

 How to overcome Inferiority complex: Few pointers

Inferiority complex if left unattended or adequate care is not given to treat, it will have a deep impact on one’s personality development. They struggle with inadequacy feeling in the later stages of life or sometimes they carry the feeling throughout life and they become a puzzle to themselves and as well for others.

Let’s look at it holistically. To overcome the problem we have to have a 360-degree approach; which includes a good support system from parents, teachers, and friends, and the WILL of the person.

As parents, they need to be cautious and stop being critical. Understand no two individuals are born with the same ability and they are unique in their potential. A child may not have the ability in one field, but he can certainly score a brownie point in some other area.

We should not focus on  the weaknesses, instead,  focus on strengths and make him aware of them while subtly reminding him to correct the areas of inadequacy.

Mukesh Ambani once said” our father trained us to focus on the target not on the obstacles”

Focusing on obstacles would mean focusing on our weaknesses.

Physical challenges may cripple a person for a lifetime, we should support him and make him concentrate on the other healthy faculties of his body.

Following 5 tips helps to overcome the problems

   1.     We are all inferior in some ways.

 

Ø  The basic funda;  Everyone is inferior to someone in some ways.

Ø  Contrary; everyone is superior to someone in some ways

Ø  No one is complete, everyone has flaws.

Ø  Don’t become self-conscious about your flaws and magnify them.

Ø  Everyone is a combination of positive attributes and flaws.

 

2.    2.  Do root cause analysis:

Dive deep in it to root of the problem to find the solution. Surprisingly, the study reveals that more than 60% of the time inferiority complex due to prejudices. Less than 40%  have a genuine cause. Unfortunately, we don’t take corrective action but just gloss over the problem, thereby creating a more complex situation.

             Reflect on why you feel inferior.

Ø  Is it childhood trauma.

Ø  You feel inferior to smart people

Ø  You feel inferior to people who have more money

Ø  Do you feel inferior in front of successful people?

Start writing down all the points and zero down on the cause, and you weigh the cause( flaws) against your strengths. I bet It is going to be a moment of epiphany.

3.     3. Stop comparing with others;

Consciously or unconsciously we try to compare ourselves with someone whom  society considers as good, but  when we are unable to meet the expectations we start feeling inferior. Follow simple rules 

Ø  You take them as role models

Ø  Look for the right attributes

Ø  Do not imitate

Ø  Inculcate the attributes

 

4.     4. Build Self Confidence:

Self-Confidence is the key to get over the problem. Developing self-confidence requires you to think positively and not to compare with others. However, try to become a better version of yourself. Work to create success milestones for building self-confidence. Develop the metrics to measure your self-confidence and strive towards achieving it. This requires a lot of patience and discipline.

 Example: You lack confidence in speaking to a group of people. You have the skill but lack confidence due to the inferiority complex you’ve developed for some reason.

The first steps in building Self-Confidence are;

Ø  Believe you can do.

Ø  Observe how people talk; body language, accent, communication level

Ø  Identify what you lack.

 

Action Points:

Ø  Talk to a few individuals and improve your confidence level.

Ø  Check your communication skill and clarity

Ø  Slowly address little larger gathering ( 3 to 4 people)

Ø  Check  your progress ( version-2)

Ø  Keep repeating it for the next 21 days. You’ll find amazing results.

                Similarly, you can work on other problem areas.

 

5.   5.  Sub-conscious programming and Hypnotherapy:

In chronic cases,  when the person is stuck in an emotional trauma feeling low and depressed. When well-being and overall development is at stake, in such cases, sub-conscious mind programming and Hypnotherapy helps to overcome the problem. You have to take the professional's help.

 Subconscious mind reprogramming is very effective to boost self-confidence and transition to a strong personality.

Life is a journey from imperfection to perfection, the roads are bumpy and full of  impediment, don’t sulk, move on with tenacity and embrace the life of confidence, success, and serenity                       

Lead a guilt-free life

It was Saturday evening, I had just finished dinner, and from my balcony, I was staring at the street light and a small tree below it. The rain had just stopped; it was enchanting to see water droplets forming on the leaves and a small gyration of trees, the water droplets falling down on the ground with a splash of water. I was in a kind of trance enjoying that moment of life.

Suddenly I heard a loud voice, it shook me up from my trance…..somebody calling me with a distressed tone. It's a familiar voice. I rushed to check out from my balcony and saw my close friend standing there. I asked him to come up, He said “I need to talk to you please come down”. I was a little surprised and thought maybe something important and went down. This guy was almost in tears and talking incoherently. I thought he still had not come out from the shock of his mother’s death; she passed away last week after prolonged suffering.

We sat down silently for some time. After a while, he started sobbing uncontrollably and confessed that he did not take care of his mother properly and neglected her. He was feeling guilty. He felt he has terribly wronged and did not know what to do, he was struggling, a feeling of remorse gripped him.

Middle of 2009, the second wave of the economic recession hit the market very hard and companies were in the process of retrenching the employees to cut the cost and save the company from shutting down. Literally, companies looked like a graveyard. The whole retrenching process was kept secret and only a few people were privy to the information. The rest of the employees were given to speculation and were scared of losing their jobs. 

The HR person in charge of the process had to retrench huge numbers of employees. The process required him to talk to each employee individually and issue the cheque (three months salary) and shake hands with them. It stressed him intensely and he was feeling guilty since he had to let go of many people who were genuinely in need of a job. Guilt haunted him for many years, though we reasoned out saying he just executed the orders, but somehow he preferred to own responsibility.

Most of the time we feel guilty of one or other acts, it may be a trivial cause. 

Some examples, where we feel a mild form of guilt.

We feel guilty about snacking on a piece of pizza or chocolate throwing a strict diet regimen to wind….

We feel guilty for wrongly gossiping about someone….

We feel guilty for not putting in the required effort to crack the competitive exams or score good marks in the academic…

The guilt of bunking the classes……

Guilty of unnecessarily arguing and hurting someone to prove our point…

The guilt of spanking the child.

Guilty of Traffic violation….

Some are very serious in nature…..below are a few examples.

People are guilty of adultery, leading to marital discord or divorce.

Some people indulge in physical intimacy just to satisfy the carnal desire and at a later point in time they regret and guilt haunts them.

Some people cheat financially and they get away with the crime, However, at some point in life realization dawns and guilt touches them. It makes them sad and by then life would have moved on and they could do nothing to repair the damage.

Guilt is an incredibly powerful emotion, I believe it is a positive emotion that often helps you to correct your mistakes and tread the right path. It is a wake-up call from your conscience, if you are sensitive you will recognize and rectify.

Nevertheless, some guys are thick-skinned and their conscience doesn’t prick. Such people continue on the wrong path and never realize the crimes they keep committing.

Guilt can play havoc on you, it can hurt your self-esteem and drain you emotionally. In many cases, people are so severely affected they carry the feeling long after the incident has lost its relevance and feel remorse throughout life, which can affect both their physical and mental health.

Guilt often creates a psychological barrier and stunts growth. Chronically guilt-ridden people become introverts, tend to lose interest in life and focus on work, and suffer from loneliness and melancholy. 

All of us carry the burden of guilt to some extent, it’s quite natural to err even consciously, after all, we are human beings with feelings and emotions. The study reveals that women are more prone to feeling guilt than men. This is our existential truth.

How do we come out or lessen the feeling of guilt?

1. Get clarity on the situation: Please think through the situation and analyze whether your guilt has a rational grounding in reality. If not it could be needless to go through the phase.

2. Speak out:  Talk to your close friend or mentor without hiding anything in your heart. Some people put on a happy facade but actually, they're being eaten from inside. Don’t stay tight-lipped fearing the society or for fear of shame or ill repute.

3. Forgive yourself: You must have done it consciously or otherwise. The first point is to accept it and try to forgive yourself. Take a vow not to repeat the act and tell to yourself “ Yes I have made a mistake, not intentionally, I am not a bad person, I will be extra careful next time”

4. Repentance: Nothing is bigger than repentance. Repentance will push you genuinely atone the act and you will attempt to undo the wrongdoings. You will unburden your heart.

5. Seek counseling and therapy: Seeking help from professionals will help alleviate the burden of guilt. Hypnotherapy is very effective in chronic cases. 

 

When you free yourself of guilt, you feel peace within

“Let us not search for the guilty ones only among others, let us speak the bitter truth: we are all guilty ... each and every one of us”. --- Maxim Gorkey 

How to manage Inner-Conflict

How to  bring rationality to stop inner-conflict

We all face conflicts day in and day out, be it an individual conflict with friends, colleagues, boss, spouse, or ideological conflicts like politics, religion, philosophy, etc. Life is full of conflicts and we spend a great amount of time mulling what is right and what is wrong, what is good and bad, then try to resolve them in the mind. Yes, we are all troubled by conflicts….conflicts and conflicts…..is there a way out?.

Not all conflicts are bad, some conflicts are healthy and it will help you to act on your lacunae and impart life-changing lessons. But most of the time we confront unhealthy conflicts which strain relations, inflict deep wounds in the psyche, and erode all peace of mind.

The conflicts are due to opposing ideologies, beliefs, desires, habits, etc. Since no two individuals think and feel alike, we differ in our views, opinions, interests, and values. Impulsively we argue to prove our point rather than listen to the other side and find a middle path. By the episode, you not only hurt the other person, but you hurt yourSELF.

Of all the conflicts we face, inner-conflicts are the most difficult to handle. Since, the head and the heart are at constant tussle, if one agrees and the other disagrees. Mind with its logic can arrive at knowledge. But the heart with its own desires and emotions resists the mind and hence is slow to change and align with knowledge. Even when the heart changes our instinctive, habitual actions and reactions offer even greater resistance. At every step of personality change lies an inner-conflict. When scientists and thinkers find new ways of progress for humanity, society comes up with customs and traditions, moral and ethical dilemmas.

So, the need of the hour is to understand the mechanics of inner-conflict by broadening our perspective and finding a workaround is very important.

Well, all conflicts are not bad, some are really interesting and they act as a positive force to your growth, it bestows a new meaning to life and enables you to get fresh perspectives.

We constantly engage in mental dialogues and weigh our thoughts between good and bad, right and wrong, and invariably most of the time we remain indecisive. Another side effect of constant inner dialogue is that we tend to become judgmental of other’s opinions or views.

Some examples below illustrate the day to day conflicts and the dilemma associated with it.

Ex 1.  While you are managing your family expenses on a strict budget you find an attractive offer on some item you can gift your wife or daughter.  Inevitably your mind swings between impulsive buying and compulsive logic.

Ex 2. When an important meeting with your boss and a family pooja ceremony demanding your presence coincides, great dilemma sets in….how to prioritize?

Ex: 3. You believe that you should be assertive and outspoken to get recognition and make advancement in your career.

The opposing thought is, you are not confident enough and you think if you try to be assertive people may ridicule and laugh at you……so you remain indecisive

 These are small, day to day happenings we all face. However, we could face major crises like health, finance or relationship-related issues which may throw you off balance and create panic and prompt you to take hasty, mindless decisions.

Mahabharata, is a story of inner conflicts. All the characters live in our mind and heart, The story outlines the struggle to establish dharma (righteousness). The essence of the story lives in our subconscious.

There are many examples we can take, for me Karna’s example seems to be very apt for inner-conflict. Throughout his life he struggled with inner-conflicts, Because of certain unfortunate situations he was placed in “he always did what he ought to have done to promote himself, rather than what truly he should have done according to dharma” ---Meaning, he was desperate to show the world he was the best archer, he did not leave any stone unturned to get an opportunity to exhibit his skills, in the process he divorced Dharma and took sides with adharmic people.

He went through intense mental trauma vacillating between good and bad. He knew very well he was taking sides with the wrong people but couldn’t firm up his decision to tread the path of Dharma, because he was stuck to the valueless vow to protect Dhuryodhana, who helped him in many ways. The tragedy is, he never summoned the courage to discard the wrong path...he was good at heart, but led astray by his ambition. Whether to choose ambition or Dharma was the great inner-conflict he faced and he failed from Dharmic point of view

 A wonderful story from Paulo Coelho on the inner-conflict

A gardener was taking a morning walk in the bright sunshine and he was happy to see the rose garden blooming which he always tended very lovingly. While watering the garden he noticed sudden growth of weeds in the garden and was taken aback. He knew the weeds would kill his garden.

He believes Soul is like a landscaped garden that needs to be protected from weeds.

So took his sickle to cut the weed. Weed spoke to him and said “Hi, why do you want to kill me, I've grown on my own, I've come a long way, you haven't given me life, I have the right to live….so please do not cut me off”

The gardener thought for a while after listening to the weed, and he felt what it was saying was correct.

He dropped the sickle. Suddenly Rose flower talked to him “Hi you have brought me here and you nurtured me very well with love and care, it’s time to bloom, and you are allowing the weed to grow and destroy me. I request you please cut the weed".

His inner-conflict peaked up with logic and counter logic…compelling him to think in all dimensions to justify his action.

At last Gardner took the sickle and cut the weeds…..and he looked up and says

“God give me similar strength to weed out the unwanted thoughts from my mind”

 Overcoming inner conflict is not an easy task; it takes a conscious and consistent effort for a prolonged period of time.

Some pointers below may help you to reduce and overcome inner-conflict.

 Bring awareness: Having a deep awareness of the conflicts are the starting point of dissolution because awareness brings a resolution mindset

Be conscious: Try to be conscious of your choice, take the right decision by analyzing what you need versus what you think right.

Calm your mind and never get influenced by other’s opinion and point of view

Practice Mindfulness meditation

 

PS: I have just given an overview of inner-conflicts, tried scraping on the surface level, not gone deep into it. Deeper study gives more info of the psychological complexities involved in inner-conflict and its resolutions. However, I have limited scope to the basic psychological level, not the clinical or pathological side of the subject.

If anybody is interested in discussing further to enhance academic knowledge, please feel free to touch base with me.

 

“ When Inner-Conflicts ends peace begins”

 

 

Don't Shun Compassion

Train chugged off slowly from the station …. a lady was running to catch the train carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand. She was limping, unable to run fast, as her knees were hurting because of arthritis. She was holding the heavy suitcase in one hand and struggling to catch hold of the train with the other hand.

 A person standing near the door assisted her and pulled her inside the train. The train was a little crowded; since It was an unreserved compartment all seats were completely occupied.

 She looked around for a seat and tried requesting a few people but in vain. She stood there balancing on her legs with her knees hurting. She was panting for breath.

 Nobody bothered to offer her a seat and a few people pretended to look elsewhere and got busy in their own world. On seeing her plight, a gentleman stood up and offered his seat. Lady thanked him and sat comfortably in the seat. The gentleman was compassionate towards the suffering lady.

 This is quite common in journeys, we have experienced it several times. Many times we feel like helping but somehow we glue our butt to the seat. A strong inner urge to help is not felt and we remain unmoved and sit like a statue.

 Compassion is the act to relieve the suffering with kindness, caring and support.

 Yes, the message I am trying to drive home is about compassion. How conveniently we forget. What happened to the principles we boast of ?  Train is just one incidence, in day-to-day life we come across many such helpless people, instead of showing compassion somehow we conveniently turn our face away.

 During the present Corona lockdown period, I'm seeing exactly the opposite. People have become very generous; they're volunteering to help those who are in distress. The needy are given food, medicines and provided shelter. Some people don't even bother about their safety while extending heartfelt service.

 Whenever an intense disaster strikes whether it is a tsunami or earthquake, cloudburst or flood or whatever, people just drop everything and stand in solidarity with others. We have witnessed this generosity in all calamities.

 I read a very touching story sometime back, it's a true incident that happened in one of the hospitals.

 A young boy was nursing his mother post operation, she was recovering. It was around 10 pm, the boy started home after serving food and giving medicine to her mother.

 While passing through the hospital wards, in one of the wards, he heard a faint murmuring voice. Out of curiosity he went inside and saw an old lady in critical condition lying on the bed. With tears in her eyes she kept saying something which wasn’t clear to him.

 The boy was curious and asked the nurse over there. The nurse told him that the old lady was in critical condition and her last wish was to see her son and eyes were looking for him.  Nurse with a heavy heart told him, we didn't know the whereabouts of her son to reach the message.

 The boy went near the old lady and she grabbed his hand thinking that her son had come. She kept talking incoherently with him the whole night with tears in her eyes.

 The boy sat quietly throughout the night holding her hand warmly and comforting her. Around 4 am she passed away peacefully. 

 

The nurse was overwhelmed with emotion, hugged the boy and said this was true compassion, “without knowing that lady you sat the whole night next to her and comforted her, hats off to you”.

 If you have an itch to help others, if you're a habitually generous hearted with a deep urge for service, you could consider channeling your compassion towards starting an NGO with a purpose and make a mark in life. There are so many situations crying for attention like for instance poor couples who can't afford treatment of their children with congenital defects like a hole in the heart or suffering from cancer etc.

 To be compassionate does not mean throwing all discretion to the winds. Always lending a helping hand out of good nature is indeed a laudable habit but there could always be some situations that do not merit it.

 Like for instance giving alms to beggars. There are many categories of beggars and not all are deserving and needy.

 Use your discretion and help only the needy.

 Knowing this well, there are some compassionate people who are tough with beggars. However one should be careful not to deny the needy.

 Other day, I saw a beggar; she was very hungry and looked like she had not had food for a day. She approached a person for food, he was rude and shooed her away. 

 Next day morning I happened to see the same person talking about helping Covid-19 affected immigrant workers. This behaviour perplexed me, a sudden change in the attitude and overflow of compassion!!!

 One should learn to discriminate.

 Through acts of compassion you make a difference in your communities and sometimes in the world. Some of those who made a difference are Mahatma Gandhi, Baba Amte, Mother Terassa, Nelson Mandela. Through acts of compassion they made an ocean of difference in the lives of people and put the smile back on their faces.

Act of compassion enriches your life and you will see many benefits. Some benefits are listed below

They are self-explanatory; however, we can dwell on each one at length, but i am limiting the scope.

If any of you interested in discussing further, please feel free to connect with me.




1. Improved health
2. Understand yourself and others well
3. Your social connectivity increases
4. You open up your heart
5. Reduces own suffering
6. You get peace of mind

 

“If you want to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Dalai Lama