Change

Recently, I met a friend of mine in one of our family functions. He was looking happy, a smile on his face, greeting and talking to every one jovially; he was well dressed and radiating with joy. He was full of life…I saw a tremendous change in him. The same person, a few years back, was a much disturbed man because of marital discord and divorce proceedings; he went through a horrible time …..He had to fight two years of court case and harassment by in-laws to unsettle him and his parents. He   was completely beaten down to the ground, lost interest in life. He used to dress shabbily, stopped socializing because of the stigma. After a series of setbacks, he fought bravely and got over his past and now settled in the US happily……. Breeze of change ……

 Mohammed Ali, a Heavyweight boxer, a social activist, a philanthropist and the most celebrated sports person of the 20th century, won a lot of awards and accolades, he is known for power, tenacity and strength. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, a degenerative neurological condition; during his last days he was not able to lift a glass of water.  What an unfortunate change, the person known for his qualities had just died opposite of it.

Change is an inevitable part of life and we all go through the phase, it may be from small change (like….change in interior of house, buying new dress) to the most significant (new Job, Promotion, Marriage ….and getting afflicted with disease). Some are imposed on us, some are caused by, and few are transformative and mundane.

Physically, mentally and emotionally we all go through change. Isn’t it true that nothing is permanent in life, whether its pain or pleasure, success or failure, win or lose, everything is subject to change and it’s transitory. Change is the only constant in life and everything else is transitory.

When we talk about change, often we relate to technology change and impact on the Individual and the society at large.

Globalization is the starting point of the massive change that we are witnessing today. It integrated the world and the business expanded globally.  Many multinationals started operating out of India and enabled technology transfer. The Internet has opened a whole new world of information with the press of a button. Life has become so convenient (Changed) that you can do all transactions  with mobile or laptop, like... you can book a train or Air ticket, order food from your  favorite hotel, and pay the bills...etc

Technology has brought massive and welcome change to the healthcare industry, advanced diagnostic equipment enabled precision and fast diagnosis. Patients have access to best diagnostic tools and treatments. Minimal-invasive treatment reduces pain and enables quick healing. Mobile apps and digitization of records has made life simple and easy.

Advanced technology has changed the way transportation, automotive, aerospace, defense, space technology works.

Artificial intelligence, machine learning and IOT are the game changers.

The list endless and we can go on writing about how technology is changing society and the individual.  While technology is changing at the blink of an eye, in the midst of rapid change, how are we equipping ourselves to adapt to the changing scenario. Do we have the right mindset to accept, adapt and move forward?

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."  - George Bernard Shaw

We are well informed about the need for change and are also aware of the importance and the host of positivity it presents. Somehow, with all the necessary knowledge, we are reluctant to embrace and accept the change.

Different people react differently based on the situation, personality type and motivating factor. Some guys happily accept the change and learn new things. But for many it is threatening and unsettling. 

 The question lingers in our mind, why we fail to embrace wholeheartedly when change comes in our life, be it professional, personal or in any sphere of activities.

Dr.Spencer Johnson’s light-hearted parable about change “Who moved my cheese”  It elaborates the physical and emotional journeys of four characters-Sniff, Scurry, Hem and Haw, in search of cheese, they find, lose and rediscover in the maze. Highly acclaimed book and he gives very good insights and phases one goes through in the process of change anticipate, approach, adapt & manage change.

Process of transformation

We resist change due to the following reasons

1. Lack of confidence
2. Fear of unknown
3. Lethargy
4. Indifference

1. Lack of self-confidence: 60 % to 70% don’t make the decision due to lack of self confidence and they worry about failure. This lack of self-confidence is not genetic, it is triggered due to some incidence in your life or unconsciously you have fallen into the pit without being aware of it.

Ex: A boy was very brilliant in academics in his school and college days and was very confident. When he joined a job, his boss once remarked in front of everyone that “You are not as smart as you think you are” this triggered the reaction and he lost

Self-confidence

You can enhance self-confidence by not relying on others' endorsement, but by working on your personality.  Be confident in what you do. Couple of points below, will help you enhance self-confidence. 

a.     Groom yourself well

b.    Develop good habit

c.     Develop skill and knowledge

d.    Be in the company of positive people

e.     Think positive about yourself

2. Fear of unknown: Fear of unknown stops us from accepting the change, mind plays the trick, it deters us from taking action by feeding negative outcomes. You will have to break the wall of unknown fear and come out on the other side. 

 You can manage the fear of the unknown by adopting simple steps below.

a.     Understanding: Thorough understanding of the subject matter/ situation is the best way to deal with fear of the unknown, you get to the root cause, and if you have a deeper understanding of the situation, you will be better equipped to deal with fear.

b.    To be in the present: Better way to deal with fear of unknown is to be in the       present and do  reality check. Reality check will help you dispel misunderstanding of the situation and bring clarity.

2.     Lethargy: By definition it is lack of energy and enthusiasm. The worst enemy of progress is lethargy. People have lost precious things because of lethargy. It is essential to identify reason for lethargy and take corrective action.

              

                 

a)     Develop passion

b)    Connect socially

c)     Follow proper diet, eat nutrient-rich food

d)    Follow sleep hygiene

  

4) Indifference:  Lack of interest and motivation in something you do is the major constraint to accept the change 

Develop passion and understand what drives you, enhance motivational level, you will come out of indifference.

a)     Do introspection

b)    Daily write your aspirations. You get clarity on what you want to do.

c)     Read motivational books to inspire you.

d)    Talk to your friends or mentor.

Change is possible, it takes lot of conviction and perseverance……….be optimistic and you will ……

FEAR……Scare it out of your mind.

 FEAR……Scare it out of your mind.

 Deer run faster than its predators, but it gets caught easily and killed. The Deer is slim and agile, has good energy, despite having strong qualities, it fails to give a slip to the predator and ultimately  succumbs ……....the reason is Fear….the deer is paralyzed by fear gives up and become easy prey.

It is true with all of us, when we see an impending danger we get scared and succumb to the situation.

Fear is so powerful and it swamped in all walks of our life. Some fears are healthy and it helps us to grow. Some are irrational, and it hinders the growth.

Some students who are brilliant and good at studies, they fail to score good marks; it’s because of fear of examination. They tend to forget the subject and mind goes blank, fear over powers their ability.

Some people are scared of flying, a little turbulent in the flight will send the blood pressure shooting high and they get panic attacks.

When you are due for a presentation in the office or  address a gathering,  you become  nervous and get scared of the crowd, you  feel  “Butterflies in the stomach”  and  you pace back and forth , tongue- tied, you cannot recollect the topic……..you fail……… fear takes over you.

Some guys don’t venture or  try new things, be it professional or personal, because of fear of unknown; this may be due to past experience or mental imagination. They fear failure and adaptation and are worried about moving out of comfort zone.

We can continue with the list of fears and how it will affect one’s life…….However,  on the contrary, there are some who thrive on fears, they are known as adrenaline junkies…  ex:  guys who participate in dangerous sports activities, like bungee jumping, sky diving, surfing, river rafting and many more, they like to challenge the fear and conquer it.

 Fears are an unavoidable facet of our life’s experience. It is a natural emotion and survival mechanism. When we confront a perceived threat, our bodies respond in specific ways. Physical reaction is “Fight or Flight”, body prepares either to run or combat.

Constantly being in the state of fear will affect physically and psychologically, it creates anxiety disorders, and other health related issues. This hinders growth and the performance.

Fear restricts our lives and imprisons us. The study reveals that, we experience two types of fear, perceived and the real one. Perceived fears are our mental imaginations and also in anticipation of the future events, it may or may not happen. Real threats, on the other hand, are potentially dangerous, more often than not, involves physical harm.

It is estimated that 80% of our fears are the perceived one, isn’t it a good revelation!!.  Now let’s resolve to overcome the challenge.

  

Below I have put down my thoughts on how to overcome the monster called fear.

 Face the fear:  Facing the fear can help you realize situation is not as bad as you imagined. It helps in building confidence & shows your strength to handle the situation on your own.

Swami Vivekananda, narrates a story of monkey, a few monkey ganged up and scaring tourists by blocking the way, they used to snatch food and snacks. One day they attacked Swami Vivekananda, he thought of running back, but saw more monkeys started chasing him, screaming and making scary noises. He decides to face the monkey, he turned back and stared at them fearlessly and monkeys vanished in no time.

Moral: If you face your fear instead of running away from them, they will run away like monkeys.

      Focus on breathing:  Breathing is most essential of all practices, it is “Prana Vayu”. Focusing on deep breathing helps you relaxing and reducing the anxiety. When the pang of anxiety attacks, focus on breathing and take couple of deep breaths, it brings down the jitter and calms the mind.

Learn different techniques of Pranayama (one of the 8 limbs of Patanjali Yoga Sutra) it gives great relief and you calm down instantly.

  Take one at a time: Do not try to tackle all your fears at a time, just pick one and work on it.

Starting small can help build confidence in yourself, as you overcome each new challenge.

Identify false beliefs: All fears are learned and nobody is born with fears. Identifying and rationalizing the beliefs that you have picked up during the course of journey, brings a great relief, It is like “the right diagnosis is half cure”, Identify and drop those irrational fears.

      Hypnotherapy:  When you are experiencing overwhelming fear or anxiety, please consider working with a therapist. Hypnotherapy is very effective, you can program   positive   thoughts in to your mind, erasing or eliminating negative thoughts and beliefs. This is very effective and I have seen many people getting cured and have come out of chronic suffering.

Do not let the fear to rule your life, take corrective action.

There are many techniques available; you can adopt the one which suits you most and combat anxiety and fear. In this write up, I have put down few points basing on my experience as a Hypnotherapist. People have got relief and leading happy life.

Habit…. a bit…….it…..rain success

 5 am, the alarm starts ringing loudly...……. hand from the bed creeps out and bangs the snooze button; again he falls asleep………….every day the same habit continues.

Oh God!!! how many times should I tell you not to carry newspaper to wash room….yells his wife…..mummy,  daddy takes  newspaper to read it  in the toilet (on commode), else he will constipate, chuckles his son and runs to get his school bag.

Son bites his nail while watching TV, mother rebukes him, spanks gently on his knuckles and yells…….it’s a BAD HABIT. 

He smokes a lot of cigarettes; he is a chain smoker…. She frowns upon him and shouts it’s a BAD HABIT.

This guy reads at least an hour before he goes to bed…….GOOD HABIT.

Old man donates money to poor people for education……NICE HABIT.

She never gossips, empathizes with everyone, and insists that we should understand the situation before we form an opinion…very GOOD HABIT

All of us have formed habits, may be good or bad, each habit has its own effect on behavior and action.

 “Any act preformed repetitively over a sustained period of time” becomes a habit.

HABIT has been powerfully explained below.

Remove H….A BIT will remain…..remove A…..BIT will remain…..remove B…..IT will remain.

Good habits propel you to move forward in life and the bad habits pull you down and stagnates you. Cultivating good habits is the most important thing in life.

 “Everything that you are today, and everything you will ever accomplish, is determined by quality of the habit that you have”---Brain Tracy

Children need to develop good habits from early on. Couple of examples come to my mind ..... we have been witnessing traffic violations, and other unlawful activities, like signal jumping, footpath driving, over speeding etc…. If these kids are educated from early on, and taught a sense of what's right and what's wrong, they're likely to form right habits and become law abiding citizens. In some countries, it is a part of curriculum, to educate kids on habit of obeying rules, and to make a visual impact, a video is played and shown how violating rules can cause problems to oneself and others.

We have seen, some guys struggle to develop good habits, whereas, others effortlessly do it and succeed in life. Reason could be, not being self-disciplined, lack of motivation, lack of commitment, lack of a clear goal, complacency, lack of consistency and a habit of procrastination and giving in to endless distraction and not making the most of our time.

Seldom do we make effort towards developing a habit, till we're jolted down by some incidence.

It is true that tons of books, articles and information are available on cultivating good habits, but we skim through the information and rarely internalize the concept.

Cultivating and internalizing the right habits will become easy and effortless, if we follow and implement the points given below in the right spirit.

1. Set your intentions:

It has the power to change your life. Intention is a focus on what you want to experience in the future and it enables you to carve a path to achieve the desired result. 

You need to fortify your intention by,

a.       Writing  your intentions

b.      Create images of your intentions.

c.       Look for thoughts, feelings and experiences that support the intentions.

d.      Each day contemplate on your intentions.

             Once you set your intentions firmly, rest becomes easy.

2. Discipline:  At the heart of success is self-discipline

It's a bridge between the goal and accomplishment.  Do small things on a daily basis to move ahead, never stop or give up…Initially you may find it a bit hard but with self-discipline  you can achieve the impossible.

Ex: Sports personalities, through self-discipline are able to achieve success. (Sachin Tendulkar, Tiger woods……..). 

”Success by inches is a cinch, by yards too hard”

Disciplined approach slowly inch you towards your goal.

3. Focus on Routine than Reward:

            Example:   if you have decided to lose 20 kilos in three months.

             You have to focus on the routine which is very critical to get to your reward. i.e…….get up                early in the morning, regularly hit the gym and do grinding exercises and follow proper diet.

4. Be Patient and persistent :

One tends to get distracted for various reasons, like inertia, change in priorities and procrastination. Adhering to the routine and practicing it with tenacity is important.

21 days of continuous practice has psychological implications, our brain registers the activity and it becomes a habit. Next continuous practice for 90 days seems to have a lasting impression and it gets embedded with your routine and you unconsciously start practicing with ease.

Note:  Forming good habits in all walks of life makes life like a breeze.

If you want to discuss/ understand more on habits, please mail me, I will be very happy to answer all queries.

Cracked Pot………..Imperfection to perfection a sneak peek.

I apologize for not being useful…..i am sorry……. I am able to deliver only 50%, I have flaws and imperfections, wailed the cracked pot……pot bearer pacifies the cracked pot and shows, how he used its defect as advantage and created rows of flowers on the way from the river to his house and those flowers are now blossomed, they are being used for decorating and worshiping God……..story goes like this and all of us are familiar with the it.

For the benefit of those who have not read the story, let me briefly explain.

 A water bearer had two large pots, each hung on each end of pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had crack on it, while the other pot was perfect.

When the pot bearer use to carry water from river stream to his master’s house, cracked pot was able to deliver only half of it, while the other pot was able to deliver full water.

For two years it went on like this, the perfect pot was pride of his accomplishment. But the poor cracked pot was miserable and ashamed of its own imperfection. It spoke to the water bearer and told him that “I apologize and I am ashamed of myself for not doing justice” because of my flaws I don’t give full value to your effort.

Noticing its miserable state, water bearer told the pot, as we return to master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path”

When the cracked pot saw the beautiful flowers on the way, he told that I have always known about your flaws, I took advantage of it, I planted flower seeds on your side path, and every day while we return back from stream, you have watered them, for years I have been picking these flowers and using it for decoration and worshiping. This cheered the cracked pot. 

The story is a metaphor; we all have our cracks and flaws. Challenge is to identify and find good use of unique talents.

 Physical flaws throw up lot of challenges, the process of transformation using other faculty to one’s advantage is tedious and stressful, you may need a creative, empathetic person to help you to overcome or some strong individual may find solutions on their own.

We keep hearing stories about some physically disabled guys who achieved highest degree of success in one or the other areas. Some examples, Stephen hawking, despite his illness and whole body was paralyzed from head to toe, he used voice synthesizer to communicate and all his life he was confined to wheel chair, it did not stop him to become an exemplary researcher and professor in Physics, he wrote many books on the subject of cosmos.

Another example is Nick Vujicic, he has no legs and hands, he is the founder of LIFE WITHOUT LIMBS- He is a motivational speaker and travel across the world and he has authored couple of books. He is an inspiration to millions of people.

These two are extreme cases, but, some commonly seen physical defects (like long nose, short ears, split lips…..) they become shy and loose self-confidence. However, many people face it with courage and they overcome through effectively employing the mental faculty and are able to compensate their defect with something completely different.

All of us have defects/imperfections, be it psychological, physical, emotional or intellectual. Many guys are tight-lipped about defects and suffer silently without taking action, and they develop inferiority complex and low self-esteem. This becomes great impediment to the growth.    

It’s up to the individual to recognize the imperfection and get it rectified, however, at times, we may need the support from various people, like, Manager/Leader/Mentor/Teacher, who have got the uncanny skill to recognize the defects and help the individual to navigate through the processes and overcome defects.

I have outlined few tips, which will help individuals to take corrective action on their own and overcome imperfections.

1. Recognize: introspection is the best way to recognize the gap, it will be a guiding light and help to recognize and prompt us to take action.

2. Reflecting & Reasoning: Recognizing the defect alone is not sufficient; it has to be reflected and  reasoned out in the light of reality, which gives you a reasonable understanding about the defect and the cause for it.

3. Required action Plan: Having recognized and reasoned out the defects, now you must be ready to draw plan of action, it should be comprehensive which includes the periodicity, process to be followed, and help required.

4. Resources required: List out the resources required and if necessary take help of others (Resources may be, a book, trusted friend, money, psychologist, or counselor).

5. Be Responsible for the change: Owning the responsibility is most important aspect, owning responsibility for your behavior and consequent actions. This defines your focused effort on the outcome and you demonstrate a winner mind set.

Throughout the process, staying optimistic and not losing hope is the key for success.

Self-Transformation is an ongoing process that requires continuous inner work.

Emotional Resilience

 Long back (maybe 15 years) I watched a motivational video and read an article about a high impact accident and how the survivor reconstructed his life in the face of the worst disaster. Video and the story are etched in my mind so deeply, even after so many years i am able to vividly recall every incident and many times it flashes through my mind.

A family met with an accident and 4 out of five members succumbed to injuries and dies on the spot. The man who survived had around 15 fractures, you  name the bone it was cracked, his spinal cord was badly damaged, the face was completely destroyed, disfigured, it took neurosurgeon, orthopedics and physiotherapist and cosmetic surgeon to reconstruct and repair his damaged body and keep him alive. When he regained his consciousness, doctors explained to him how badly he was hurt and told him that chances of complete recovery are bleak and he may not be able to walk again and he may have to survive in a wheelchair with many imperfections/ handicap. On hearing this he was devastated and emotionally collapsed.

He had lost all hopes and resigned to fate, he was worried about the future life. As he was depressed and given in to despair and not so optimistic, his rehabilitation process was getting very slow and painful. As Divine Wills, one fine day, he hears the inner voice whispering in his head to fight back and conquer the pain and fear, which was the defining moment; he decides to take charge of the life. He resolutely fights with intense emotion and solid WILL power. His routine for the next 6 to 8 months during rehabilitation was excruciatingly painful, and he overcomes all that through his indomitable spirit.

Tears flow down the cheek and you will be swelled with emotion when you watch them struggle and the excruciating pain he goes through in the process of recovery. it almost took 12 to 14 months of struggle to get back to the normal state.

Something strong inside of us that constantly keep reminding about our strength and potential and propel us to move forward from deep despair of hopelessness to hopefulness, and Emotional resilience, a profound character, every person has the inherent potential and the ability to bounce back.  

The above story is one of the rare cases, not all go through intense trauma like this.

However, the challenging times we go through creates a lot of stress and drain our energies, in such a situation, trying to be resilient and to bounce back seems to be an uphill task. We shall see below a few tips to overcome the challenge.

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as, “The process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress – such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors”

There are different attributes to resilience and it varies from person to person and there are many ways to bounce back from adversities. I have picked up  5 major attributes. The above diagram illustrates the attributes of resilience.(courtesy: Google images)

However, there are many more attributes a resilient person exhibits; we will see some of them.

Positive: Change is inevitable, we tend to react to change than accepting and adapting to it, we should stop bemoaning and shun the past glory/ trauma, understand where our talent lies and moves out of self-limiting beliefs.

Locus of control: How you believe yourself can control the outcome. People with Locus of control (Internal) take responsibility for their lives and believe that it’s their action that leads to the outcome. They have strong faith in themselves.

Face your fears:  face your fears and you get more strength, the perspective about the problem changes and you will find a different dimension to life.

Practice spirituality: Faith in spiritual practices, irrespective of the religion keeps you afloat during the times of difficulty, a catalyst to bring change fast, helps to cope up with stress, and pushes you forward to find solutions.

Get Social support: it’s essential to talk to people who have gone through challenging events and get tips from them. Connect socially and interact with more people. Counselor is also helpful psychologically instill confidence and soothes your mind.

The answer lies not only in the development of resilience in its many forms, but in our personal narratives, or the stories we tell ourselves. Each of these concepts has a tremendous impact on the shape our lives take, and what differentiates those who bounce back from those who never fully recover.

When Life Throws you Curveballs……

When Life Throws you Curveballs…………………

Hi Guys, I am back again, in my last blog I just touched up on the benefits of being in the present moment and also I outlined few tips on mindfulness, hope you enjoyed reading it.

While I was just thinking about the next topic to blog, I am reminded of couple of incidences, how people are able to surmount the challenges when life throws curveballs. The emotional turmoil they go through while handling the situation.

Challenges catche you off guard, it can strike you in many ways be it a personal loss (losing near and dear one’s or spouse), getting afflicted with terminal diseases, career and job upheavals, financial loss and many more.

When you faced with such  unpleasant life’s situations, it’s quite natural to despair and lose all hopes. Life looks gloomy.  However, there is silver lining around the dark cloud.

Interestingly, I have seen some cases where the affected person has shown phenomenal endurance and emotional resilience; they display never say die attitude, without any trace of hopelessness or depression but they  stay calm and composed during the turmoil and are fully incharge of life.

 When such incidence occurs some guys nearly collapse and react negatively. On close scrutiny, we see a pattern of behavior (in most cases) where an individual get in to “Victim mindset” and start brooding about the situation rather than finding solutions, Seldom they make effort to wriggle out of the situation and end up prisoners of their own mindset. They often find solace in sharing their stories with sympathetic people. 

In the game of life, curveballs are inevitable and life is full of ups and downs,twists and turns, while we cannot control what happens around us but can certainly control what happens within us by expanding  horizon of thinking and developing emotional agility and flexibility, this will surely enable us to respond to the situation than reacting.

Every problem has solutions, we need to look at from different perspective, when shift in perspective happens you find the solution just around.

1.        Acknowledge:

 When misfortune befalls all of a sudden, acknowledging and reconciling to the reality will  be difficult, it takes time and psychologically mind goes through few phases to come to  terms with reality.

Phases are: Shock, denying, anger, bargaining, depression and finally accepting.

Individual maturity and tolerance level determines how quickly one moves out of each stage.

Example:  someone might take longer time to come out of shock state and someone else may take more time to come out of depression or someone may quickly accept the reality.

2.       Stay calm and composed:

Do not get panic and stress yourself since mind gets clouded by negative thoughts and  blocks your judgment. Few of them get panic attacks which leads to health complications.

Harmful neurotransmitters are released when you are distressed/panicked which leads to mental health issues. Keep your mind calm, don’t race your mind in an imaginative world (mind immediately rush to imagine worst case scenario, it may not happen in the future). By staying calm you will come to terms with reality and which  will enable you to take better decision.

Focus on your breathing, slowly breath in and breath out, observe your breath pattern and focus on it for 10 to 15min, mind becomes calm.

3.       Talk to trusted partners or counselor:

Confiding with someone who you can trust act as Catharsis,it helps  in building  emotional resilience. Trusted confidante can offer you wonderful suggestions and give different perspective.
a counselor will be a better partner in your recuperative journey.

4.       Reinvent and Rebuild yourself:  

Curveballs are actually blessing in disguise, utilize this as an opportunity to reflect (we may not have thought of it till now) on your potential and look for ways and means that exists to serve society at large. Reinvent yourself in the new direction, create new path, acquire necessary skills.This is an opportunity to grow and keep you moving forward.

5.       Let go of things:

 Learn to let go of things, do not hold on to emotional baggage. Shun the ego clashes, decide it’s worth the energy to hold on to it or let go and redirect your energy to more solution oriented things.

6.       Affirmation:

Affirmation is positive stroke you keep suggesting to your subconscious mind, periodically keep repeating the positive affirmation and you can turn your desire in to reality.
( We shall see in my later blogs how to affirm and program subconscious mind)

Last word:

Everything happens for a reason, it may not reveal right now, as the drama of life starts unfolding you will get to know the real reason at the right time…..surrender to the Universe and see the magic.

PS: in extreme cases like loss of spouse and terminal illness, when things are irreversible, it’s difficult to handle and I would say time is the healer.