Habit…. a bit…….it…..rain success

 5 am, the alarm starts ringing loudly...……. hand from the bed creeps out and bangs the snooze button; again he falls asleep………….every day the same habit continues.

Oh God!!! how many times should I tell you not to carry newspaper to wash room….yells his wife…..mummy,  daddy takes  newspaper to read it  in the toilet (on commode), else he will constipate, chuckles his son and runs to get his school bag.

Son bites his nail while watching TV, mother rebukes him, spanks gently on his knuckles and yells…….it’s a BAD HABIT. 

He smokes a lot of cigarettes; he is a chain smoker…. She frowns upon him and shouts it’s a BAD HABIT.

This guy reads at least an hour before he goes to bed…….GOOD HABIT.

Old man donates money to poor people for education……NICE HABIT.

She never gossips, empathizes with everyone, and insists that we should understand the situation before we form an opinion…very GOOD HABIT

All of us have formed habits, may be good or bad, each habit has its own effect on behavior and action.

 “Any act preformed repetitively over a sustained period of time” becomes a habit.

HABIT has been powerfully explained below.

Remove H….A BIT will remain…..remove A…..BIT will remain…..remove B…..IT will remain.

Good habits propel you to move forward in life and the bad habits pull you down and stagnates you. Cultivating good habits is the most important thing in life.

 “Everything that you are today, and everything you will ever accomplish, is determined by quality of the habit that you have”---Brain Tracy

Children need to develop good habits from early on. Couple of examples come to my mind ..... we have been witnessing traffic violations, and other unlawful activities, like signal jumping, footpath driving, over speeding etc…. If these kids are educated from early on, and taught a sense of what's right and what's wrong, they're likely to form right habits and become law abiding citizens. In some countries, it is a part of curriculum, to educate kids on habit of obeying rules, and to make a visual impact, a video is played and shown how violating rules can cause problems to oneself and others.

We have seen, some guys struggle to develop good habits, whereas, others effortlessly do it and succeed in life. Reason could be, not being self-disciplined, lack of motivation, lack of commitment, lack of a clear goal, complacency, lack of consistency and a habit of procrastination and giving in to endless distraction and not making the most of our time.

Seldom do we make effort towards developing a habit, till we're jolted down by some incidence.

It is true that tons of books, articles and information are available on cultivating good habits, but we skim through the information and rarely internalize the concept.

Cultivating and internalizing the right habits will become easy and effortless, if we follow and implement the points given below in the right spirit.

1. Set your intentions:

It has the power to change your life. Intention is a focus on what you want to experience in the future and it enables you to carve a path to achieve the desired result. 

You need to fortify your intention by,

a.       Writing  your intentions

b.      Create images of your intentions.

c.       Look for thoughts, feelings and experiences that support the intentions.

d.      Each day contemplate on your intentions.

             Once you set your intentions firmly, rest becomes easy.

2. Discipline:  At the heart of success is self-discipline

It's a bridge between the goal and accomplishment.  Do small things on a daily basis to move ahead, never stop or give up…Initially you may find it a bit hard but with self-discipline  you can achieve the impossible.

Ex: Sports personalities, through self-discipline are able to achieve success. (Sachin Tendulkar, Tiger woods……..). 

”Success by inches is a cinch, by yards too hard”

Disciplined approach slowly inch you towards your goal.

3. Focus on Routine than Reward:

            Example:   if you have decided to lose 20 kilos in three months.

             You have to focus on the routine which is very critical to get to your reward. i.e…….get up                early in the morning, regularly hit the gym and do grinding exercises and follow proper diet.

4. Be Patient and persistent :

One tends to get distracted for various reasons, like inertia, change in priorities and procrastination. Adhering to the routine and practicing it with tenacity is important.

21 days of continuous practice has psychological implications, our brain registers the activity and it becomes a habit. Next continuous practice for 90 days seems to have a lasting impression and it gets embedded with your routine and you unconsciously start practicing with ease.

Note:  Forming good habits in all walks of life makes life like a breeze.

If you want to discuss/ understand more on habits, please mail me, I will be very happy to answer all queries.

7 Practical ways to over come Indecisiveness

 

7 easy ways to deal with Indecisiveness and lead a successful life

                                              

               

 

Should i order masala dosa or plain dosa…shall i go to my office by bike or car, should i wear salwar or saree… can i talk to her or not …..we juggle between the choices and remain indecisive.

I am reminded of Shakespeare’s Hamlet “the indecisive protagonist” who wavers between two extremes “To be or not to be” The dilemma and the emotional trauma he goes through to make a decision represents our sufferings in day to day life.

Definition of Indecisiveness;

Indecisiveness is defined as being in a state of confusion or dilemma to take the right decision. The situation is like sitting on the fence; don’t know which side to jump.

How indecisiveness is formed;

Being indecisive is common, often in life, we go through this phase. Some are mundane ( like what to eat for dinner and should we watch the movie…) and a few are serious. ( Like choosing the carrier, marriage….building business) When we are faced with an ambiguous situation we tend to become indecisive.

The  habit of indecisiveness is well entrenched from young days in our minds. For kids, parents make the decision and when they grow up and become adolescents, many of them remain indecisive because of too many choices and lack of knowledge to differentiate.

This habit continues to hog them even as adults and for some a whole lifetime, they are habituated not taking decisions owing to overprotective parents, sloppy nature, or previous bad experience of a decision gone wrong. They remain fearful and always live in dilemma.

They get stressed up even to make the simplest decision like selecting a menu or wearing a dress for a special occasion. Some people can't even decide what they want for dinner.

How indecisiveness affects life;

It saddens, to see people remain indecisive even in the face of threat. I remember a story from a real incident.

It was a bad marriage and her husband was abusive, every day she was harassed and tortured.

He used to beat her and hurt her badly for no reason. She silently suffered harassments thinking it as her fate and did not confide with anyone, including her parents and her best friend.

This went on for some time and reached a point where she couldn't take it anymore. She cried silently and asked  God “ Why me”   What have I done…but got no answer.

After some time she conceived and delivered a baby girl. This triggered her inlaw's anger that she gave birth to a girl child, and the whole gang began to torture her.

As she was fed up with life, and one fine day she disclosed everything to her close friend. Her friend advised her to move out of the marriage and lead a peaceful life. The lady was reluctant to sever the marriage tie because she thought it was against our tradition an act of sin and she would be cursed by GOD.

It was a herculean task to convince her to move out of the marriage and start life afresh. At last, she made the decision and moved out of the marriage.

 

The moral:  Unless we come out of our wrong beliefs and understand what is right or wrong, we remain indecisive and face great harassment and torture.

Why are we indecisive;

People get stressed and remain indecisive for several reasons and it is a direct consequence of their upbringing, the faith they hold, the fear they face, the  confidence they lack, the self-esteem they need, and the lack of freedom from the past they struggle against.

All of us have grappled with the problem of Indecisiveness, you need to identify and take the corrective action..that differentiates who you are. We keep encountering many such problems in life…. The wise dig for the reasons and work out solutions.

Indecisiveness is not a pathological condition ( extreme cases) more dependent on upbringing and the experience in life. Let's see the reason  why it is hard for us to decide .

 7 common reasons for indecisiveness and the tips to overcome;

1) Lack of information: People may need more information before they decide. Some guys are impulsive and decide spontaneously, but the thoughtful, they need proper data and thorough information.

 

 2) Over-analyzing:  Some people spend too much time thinking and get into a logical spiral of “if’s and but’s” and end up over-analyzing, This leads to confusion and hence finds it difficult to decide.

 Excess of analysis leads to paralysis. You are always in hypothetical mode and think of the worst-case scenario. You are more worried about the future than the current situation.

 Sometimes, by over-analyzing a simple situation, we turn that into a complicated and a nightmare one.

 Ex: Boss or one of your colleagues had forgotten to interact with you, maybe he had a bad day. But we start overanalyzing and start mental diarrheas of nonsense thoughts crossing our minds and creates more anxiety.

 It is very important to move forward than getting stagnated and rot in the same position because of your over-analyzing tendency.

 

  3) Your upbringing: Overprotective and critical parents are the major cause of kids' indecisiveness.  They keep telling “ you don’t know”  “you are not a grown-up”  all these things add to the problem and bring down self-confidence.

 

When kids are empowered to decide on their own, by giving choices, what they want to wear and eat, this builds confidence in them. Later in life, it helps them decide fast. Parents and teachers play a big role in this.

 

 4) Fear of failure;  Fear of failure renders you indecisive, it may be due to some bad experience in the past and your experimenting could have gone wrong.

 Way out: You have to change your perspective. It is imperative that not all decisions go 100% right and you are not a fortune-teller. After all, life is all about the decision,  whether good or bad.

In business, you need to take a calculated risk and decide on the course of action...It may be an investment, a new partnership, technology adaptation, or  introduction of a new line of products ..many more.

   5) Conscious of others' opinion:  Never decide to please someone. You need to decide what is right for you and in the long term how it will benefit you.

While selecting the career you have to decide based on your competencies and potential to grow, not to please anyone. Also, it is prudent to have information about the scope of the job & the growth prospects. This info gives you a fair idea and enables your decision.

  6)  Lack of confidence in oneself: lack of confidence in making the decision is due to a lack of knowledge and skills. Some take it casually and think it as easy as flipping a coin and leave it for the chance. There are crucial decisions to be made carefully with all the right inputs in place.

However many talented people have faced a lack of confidence and bounced back with the right knowledge and skill. 

7) Procrastination;  This can be due to lack of information and knowledge. Many times we also procrastinate in anticipation of better things to come. However, if you stay in a prolonged period of indecisiveness due procrastination it will affect your growth and performance.

People are bad at managing time and often end up piling more work than they could do. 

You can overcome by scheduling them in an organized manner, work on the difficult task first, and pick the easy and gratifying part later.

 Press the throttle and start, you can’t expect to be perfect from the word GO…imperfection leads to perfection…take one step, it doesn’t matter how small it is,  but deciding to move from the status quo is very important

To conclude;

Indecisiveness is a common problem and we face in every stage of life, even the most talented people have faced it. Indecision truly holds back your potential, don’t sulk in doubt move forward with all knowledge and decide. Life awaits for those who are brave

  

“A person’s greatest limitations are not genetic, but imposed by self-doubt, insecurities, indecision, and timidity---Kilroy J .Oldster

 

5 Tips to come out of inferiority complex

Self-help guide to deal with inferiority complex;  A mindful process 

Opposite to my house, there is a playground, after school hours kids come and play there till 6.30 pm or 7 pm. They have lots of fun and enjoy it thoroughly.  It is nice to watch kids playing, they play with full energy; They giggle, they shout, they fight, and reconcile quickly, laugh, and roll on the ground. It is so refreshing to watch them in action!!  I love to join and have fun with the kids whenever I find the time or happened to pass through the ground.

Shyam is a 5^th  standard boy and he comes to the ground every day but never participates in any of the games. He sits in the corner and keeps looking at the other kids and never utters a word to anybody. At sharp 6.30 pm, he rushes back home. He looks fragile, hesitant, and timid.

Out of curiosity, I  observed   Shyam ( very cute kid)  for a couple of days and I asked his friends, “why is he not joining you guys” or “are you guys bullying him? not allowing him to play with you” ( Kids politics).

 Kids told me “no….. no …no… we invited him several times but refuse to talk to us and doesn't want to play”.

One day I stopped Shyam and asked him, why he is not playing with his friends. Asked him if anybody is bullying you? Teasing you?  Asked many questions……., but he never looked at my face and with his head down he muttered something in a stammering voice and ran off.

Later I found out, he has an inferiority complex due to his stammering problem and he avoids mingling with friends and relatives since they tease and mock him for not being able to speak normally. Even in school, teachers and classmates make fun of him.

He sits quietly never mingles nor talks to anyone in the school. He scores well in academics, never socializes, shies away, and wouldn't open up easily.

Kids are very sensitive and emotionally fragile, they develop an inferiority complex very fast. They are vulnerable and shy, even a small incident can trigger a feeling of unworthiness.

Inferiority complex is set of belief we hold about us, where we value ourselves less in comparison with the other person.

Consciously or unconsciously we have the habit of comparing ourselves with others and feel low self-esteem for not measuring up to their standards. In the process, psychologically we amplify our weakness and regret than focusing on the strengths.

Why do people develop the Inferiority Complex?

1. Highly critical parents admonishing the kids and saying  “you are stupid”   “you can’t do,  “ you are waste” etc induce the kids to  internalize these affirmations which they’re likely to carry for the rest of lives.

 This gets lodged in the psyche and they become timid and introverts and most of them shirk responsibilities.

 2.  Poverty is a strong reason for kids to develop low self-esteem, withdraw from society, and remain aloof.

 3.    3. Childhood abuses, bullying by friends constant reminders about the limitations and comparison with others.

        4. Stress at school to get the grade, and comparison with other students by teachers creates fear in the kids for           being  "looked down upon”.

        5.  Physical conditions: Stammering, skin colour, being thin or fat, and physical challenges push them to the pit of inferiority complex.

All of us have indeed gone through the bout of inferiority complex at some point in life followed by an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and social withdrawal.

Adults are a little less complex, they develop an inferiority complex when they can’t reach their goal, it may be financial or career-related..etc

Family issues are a  major cause; an unsupportive spouse, nagging by in-laws, wayward kids, stressful siblings, financial constraints, etc can push you towards inferiority complex.

Dumping by loved one’s and repeatedly going through troubled relationships are the other likely triggers.

Signs of Inferiority complex:

1. Lack of confidence.

2.Staying aloof.

3.Feeling of worthless

4.Anxiety, Jealousy 

5.Always critical about others

6.Negative thinking.

7 Sometimes you strive heavily to compensate and over strain yourself.

 How to overcome Inferiority complex: Few pointers

Inferiority complex if left unattended or adequate care is not given to treat, it will have a deep impact on one’s personality development. They struggle with inadequacy feeling in the later stages of life or sometimes they carry the feeling throughout life and they become a puzzle to themselves and as well for others.

Let’s look at it holistically. To overcome the problem we have to have a 360-degree approach; which includes a good support system from parents, teachers, and friends, and the WILL of the person.

As parents, they need to be cautious and stop being critical. Understand no two individuals are born with the same ability and they are unique in their potential. A child may not have the ability in one field, but he can certainly score a brownie point in some other area.

We should not focus on  the weaknesses, instead,  focus on strengths and make him aware of them while subtly reminding him to correct the areas of inadequacy.

Mukesh Ambani once said” our father trained us to focus on the target not on the obstacles”

Focusing on obstacles would mean focusing on our weaknesses.

Physical challenges may cripple a person for a lifetime, we should support him and make him concentrate on the other healthy faculties of his body.

Following 5 tips helps to overcome the problems

   1.     We are all inferior in some ways.

 

Ø  The basic funda;  Everyone is inferior to someone in some ways.

Ø  Contrary; everyone is superior to someone in some ways

Ø  No one is complete, everyone has flaws.

Ø  Don’t become self-conscious about your flaws and magnify them.

Ø  Everyone is a combination of positive attributes and flaws.

 

2.    2.  Do root cause analysis:

Dive deep in it to root of the problem to find the solution. Surprisingly, the study reveals that more than 60% of the time inferiority complex due to prejudices. Less than 40%  have a genuine cause. Unfortunately, we don’t take corrective action but just gloss over the problem, thereby creating a more complex situation.

             Reflect on why you feel inferior.

Ø  Is it childhood trauma.

Ø  You feel inferior to smart people

Ø  You feel inferior to people who have more money

Ø  Do you feel inferior in front of successful people?

Start writing down all the points and zero down on the cause, and you weigh the cause( flaws) against your strengths. I bet It is going to be a moment of epiphany.

3.     3. Stop comparing with others;

Consciously or unconsciously we try to compare ourselves with someone whom  society considers as good, but  when we are unable to meet the expectations we start feeling inferior. Follow simple rules 

Ø  You take them as role models

Ø  Look for the right attributes

Ø  Do not imitate

Ø  Inculcate the attributes

 

4.     4. Build Self Confidence:

Self-Confidence is the key to get over the problem. Developing self-confidence requires you to think positively and not to compare with others. However, try to become a better version of yourself. Work to create success milestones for building self-confidence. Develop the metrics to measure your self-confidence and strive towards achieving it. This requires a lot of patience and discipline.

 Example: You lack confidence in speaking to a group of people. You have the skill but lack confidence due to the inferiority complex you’ve developed for some reason.

The first steps in building Self-Confidence are;

Ø  Believe you can do.

Ø  Observe how people talk; body language, accent, communication level

Ø  Identify what you lack.

 

Action Points:

Ø  Talk to a few individuals and improve your confidence level.

Ø  Check your communication skill and clarity

Ø  Slowly address little larger gathering ( 3 to 4 people)

Ø  Check  your progress ( version-2)

Ø  Keep repeating it for the next 21 days. You’ll find amazing results.

                Similarly, you can work on other problem areas.

 

5.   5.  Sub-conscious programming and Hypnotherapy:

In chronic cases,  when the person is stuck in an emotional trauma feeling low and depressed. When well-being and overall development is at stake, in such cases, sub-conscious mind programming and Hypnotherapy helps to overcome the problem. You have to take the professional's help.

 Subconscious mind reprogramming is very effective to boost self-confidence and transition to a strong personality.

Life is a journey from imperfection to perfection, the roads are bumpy and full of  impediment, don’t sulk, move on with tenacity and embrace the life of confidence, success, and serenity                       

6 Easy ways to deal with changes in life:

6 easy ways to deal with change and stay happy without Stress and Anxiety 

 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be the reality. Let things flow naturally in whatever way they like.”- Lao Tzu

Change is inevitable and it’s the law of nature. Everything in life is continuously changing-  it may be the seasons, the economy, the politics, your friends, family, society, relationships, and the physical body.

 We experience change in every walk of life, human nature is such, we accept happily if the change is in alignment with our desire or resist if it doesn't meet our expectations. When you resist you develop stress and anxiety.

“Change” is an important subject, reams of books and articles have been written about it. “Change Management” is a hot topic in management circles, periodically managers are trained and retrained to manage change with minimal impact on productivity.

“Cultural change” is very important for societal health and it is a very hard process. If society has to evolve and become more civilized, it needs to undergo many transformations by refining and adapting the old practices to new ways of thinking. Given the fact that some people are reluctant to change,  understandably it is a herculean task to educate them to shed the unwanted cultural practices that are not relevant to present times.  Transition to the new mindset and new practices takes years or decades of hard work, as people are psychologically fixated on doing things in a certain way, and hence educating them to realize the bad implications takes a very long time.

Many times mere educating doesn’t work, We need to enforce change through legal reforms. It’s incumbent on govt to bring in necessary acts. A good example is the way Raja Ram Mohan Roy worked for banning SATI practice.

The crux to deal with change is to have the willingness to adapt to a new situation, however, there is always an inherent resistance in us for change. 

Let's examine Change and how to deal with it.

Broadly we experience two types of change.

1) Changes  that you want to initiate(personal change)

2) Changes that are imposed on you.

                               

Changes that you want to bring in life;

The changes you want to see or bring in your life are mostly a personal one. The examples below indicate the changes you wish to have.

1) You are stuck in a dead-end job and want to change the job and progress in your career.

2) You have difficulty in managing emotions, and that’s spoiling your relations. So you intend to bring in greater emotional stability, so that you can have a better family relationship.

3) You would like to have a better financial status. You change your spendthrift habit to a careful and calculated spender, also you will try to increase your ability to earn more by taking up a  part-time job.

4) You want to be in better health and burn that extra flab around your waist. You work on changing diet and routine by increasing activities.

We embrace the change wholeheartedly if the desired change comes true.

However, many times the change we desire may not materialize, instead, we may get something just opposite of it, then we start cribbing and show a great reluctance.  

When a change is not in our favor we step back and resist. We must understand the reality doesn’t change,  we cannot fight reality forever. Sooner we accept, sooner we get back to the flow and gain peace of mind.

However, apart from personal change, some people want to bring in changes in society through reforms or by philanthropic acts,  It is a selfless act which helps humanity at large.

Changes that are imposed on us:

Some changes in life catch you off guard, and you get bewildered by the sudden jolts of change,  Examples;  Natural calamities like earthquakes, pandemics, tsunami, and fire. Others like accidents and blunders.

Similarly, an unexpected turn of events can lead to a  pleasant change,  it excites and makes us happy,  as the unexpected turn of events(a pleasant change) falls in line with our desire.

Example;  Winning a lottery, a surprise promotion, a beautiful, expensive costly gift by someone you love, a good profit despite business odds. Smoothening of strained relations, return of estranged love..etc  you will be in cloud nine and feel the luck has landed on your lap.

 Many times we are not so lucky to get pleasant results. We face huge challenges when sudden jolts of change push us off the ground.

I heard this story when I was a kid. The story is about a sprinter who had dreams of becoming a national champion. He was a great sprinter, hard-working, and smart sports person. He had won many accolades at the state level and he was preparing to enter the national arena.

On a fatal day, he was walking back home on the pavement after the evening practice session, a speeding car lost control and rammed him from behind. The impact was very bad he was thrown up in the air and fell a few meters away unconscious.

When he regained consciousness, he was shocked to see one of his legs amputated due to severe damage.  He was shocked, wept inconsolably …..cried aloud and shouted,…after some time he calmed down and reconciled  ………His dream got shattered, he had to live with one leg……..life changed forever.

Another incident; Lovers got married after a long courtship, it was a dream come true for them. Their love story was like a  fairy tale, everything was hunky-dory. She conceived and happiness knew no bounds family did a very grand baby shower function, the whole family was excited about the child’s arrival. Unfortunately, She gave birth to a spastic child. They were shocked, and couldn’t believe this  could happen to them….dark clouds shrouded their minds ….and life changed forever.

We have heard and seen many such stories where life has turned 360-degree either for better or for worse.

Below i have given  6 way of dealing change with ease without getting in to  anxiety and stress  

Developing the subtle art of managing change without resistance is very important.

Resisting change is resisting reality, instead of going against the truth, try to befriend the fact of life.

1)  Be open and flexible for change;

 Being flexible and open to change gives us an ability to develop a new perspective, and naturally, you get clarity of mind,  clarity enables us to accept the change without resistance.

Example: When you are transferred to a new project.  

The immediate response is NO, we quickly start contemplating on  Pro’s and Con’s, more so on Con’s.  Our antennas go up and catch the wrong signals, We become defensive and stressful and shut our minds. If we accept with an open mind keeping aside the overthinking mind or anxiety,  in all probabilities, we will recognize the inherent opportunities for growth and learning.

2) Analyze the reason for resistance:

Resistance stems from fear of the unknown, it may be due to wrong influence by friends, colleagues, parents, and society, and also due to faulty belief systems. So learn to analyze deeply and take a prudent decision.

Let’s continue with the above example:  Little analysis indicates the  reason for your fear is due to   moving out of the comfort zone, it can also be working with the new boss and colleagues, fear losing the skills that you have mastered.

If you further break down every reason and analyze, you will come to know the reality is not as threatening as you made out in your mind.

Ex:  fear of moving out of comfort zone:  It is not possible to be in the comfort zone forever however, the same zone can become a battleground after a while. That’s the reality. So take a  wise step to accept the change and move on.

3) Stop Judging;

Don’t judge the situation through the lens of your experience. Try to be cautious, but don’t be obsessed.  You don’t need to go through the same experience again as situations are dynamic. So take a fresh look and come out of your prejudices.  You never know, change may spiral you into higher orbits.

4) Learn to let go;

Life doesn’t happen the way we expect or hope for. Holding onto the desire stubbornly is futile to change reality. Learn to let go and embrace change wholeheartedly. You may have to compromise a bit initially, but it is worth taking an action than remaining in the state limbo.

5) Talk to your close people;

When confusion clouds your mind, and you are unable to cope with change and take the decision, Seek help from your trusted people;  they may be your friends, spouse, colleagues, father, mother, brother, or sisters. They can dole out a sensible suggestions and help you resolve the issues.

6) Mindfulness Meditation;

Start practicing mindfulness mediation, initially go for guided meditation later you can do on your own. Mindfulness helps in calming your mind and gives good clarity in the thought process.

Mindfulness brings down stress and anxiety level to a great extent and helps you to cope with the change easily and transitions to new Change will be normal and happy. 

Let’s change for better…..