Emotional Resilience

 Long back (maybe 15 years) I watched a motivational video and read an article about a high impact accident and how the survivor reconstructed his life in the face of the worst disaster. Video and the story are etched in my mind so deeply, even after so many years i am able to vividly recall every incident and many times it flashes through my mind.

A family met with an accident and 4 out of five members succumbed to injuries and dies on the spot. The man who survived had around 15 fractures, you  name the bone it was cracked, his spinal cord was badly damaged, the face was completely destroyed, disfigured, it took neurosurgeon, orthopedics and physiotherapist and cosmetic surgeon to reconstruct and repair his damaged body and keep him alive. When he regained his consciousness, doctors explained to him how badly he was hurt and told him that chances of complete recovery are bleak and he may not be able to walk again and he may have to survive in a wheelchair with many imperfections/ handicap. On hearing this he was devastated and emotionally collapsed.

He had lost all hopes and resigned to fate, he was worried about the future life. As he was depressed and given in to despair and not so optimistic, his rehabilitation process was getting very slow and painful. As Divine Wills, one fine day, he hears the inner voice whispering in his head to fight back and conquer the pain and fear, which was the defining moment; he decides to take charge of the life. He resolutely fights with intense emotion and solid WILL power. His routine for the next 6 to 8 months during rehabilitation was excruciatingly painful, and he overcomes all that through his indomitable spirit.

Tears flow down the cheek and you will be swelled with emotion when you watch them struggle and the excruciating pain he goes through in the process of recovery. it almost took 12 to 14 months of struggle to get back to the normal state.

Something strong inside of us that constantly keep reminding about our strength and potential and propel us to move forward from deep despair of hopelessness to hopefulness, and Emotional resilience, a profound character, every person has the inherent potential and the ability to bounce back.  

The above story is one of the rare cases, not all go through intense trauma like this.

However, the challenging times we go through creates a lot of stress and drain our energies, in such a situation, trying to be resilient and to bounce back seems to be an uphill task. We shall see below a few tips to overcome the challenge.

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as, “The process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress – such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors”

There are different attributes to resilience and it varies from person to person and there are many ways to bounce back from adversities. I have picked up  5 major attributes. The above diagram illustrates the attributes of resilience.(courtesy: Google images)

However, there are many more attributes a resilient person exhibits; we will see some of them.

Positive: Change is inevitable, we tend to react to change than accepting and adapting to it, we should stop bemoaning and shun the past glory/ trauma, understand where our talent lies and moves out of self-limiting beliefs.

Locus of control: How you believe yourself can control the outcome. People with Locus of control (Internal) take responsibility for their lives and believe that it’s their action that leads to the outcome. They have strong faith in themselves.

Face your fears:  face your fears and you get more strength, the perspective about the problem changes and you will find a different dimension to life.

Practice spirituality: Faith in spiritual practices, irrespective of the religion keeps you afloat during the times of difficulty, a catalyst to bring change fast, helps to cope up with stress, and pushes you forward to find solutions.

Get Social support: it’s essential to talk to people who have gone through challenging events and get tips from them. Connect socially and interact with more people. Counselor is also helpful psychologically instill confidence and soothes your mind.

The answer lies not only in the development of resilience in its many forms, but in our personal narratives, or the stories we tell ourselves. Each of these concepts has a tremendous impact on the shape our lives take, and what differentiates those who bounce back from those who never fully recover.

When Life Throws you Curveballs……

When Life Throws you Curveballs…………………

Hi Guys, I am back again, in my last blog I just touched up on the benefits of being in the present moment and also I outlined few tips on mindfulness, hope you enjoyed reading it.

While I was just thinking about the next topic to blog, I am reminded of couple of incidences, how people are able to surmount the challenges when life throws curveballs. The emotional turmoil they go through while handling the situation.

Challenges catche you off guard, it can strike you in many ways be it a personal loss (losing near and dear one’s or spouse), getting afflicted with terminal diseases, career and job upheavals, financial loss and many more.

When you faced with such  unpleasant life’s situations, it’s quite natural to despair and lose all hopes. Life looks gloomy.  However, there is silver lining around the dark cloud.

Interestingly, I have seen some cases where the affected person has shown phenomenal endurance and emotional resilience; they display never say die attitude, without any trace of hopelessness or depression but they  stay calm and composed during the turmoil and are fully incharge of life.

 When such incidence occurs some guys nearly collapse and react negatively. On close scrutiny, we see a pattern of behavior (in most cases) where an individual get in to “Victim mindset” and start brooding about the situation rather than finding solutions, Seldom they make effort to wriggle out of the situation and end up prisoners of their own mindset. They often find solace in sharing their stories with sympathetic people. 

In the game of life, curveballs are inevitable and life is full of ups and downs,twists and turns, while we cannot control what happens around us but can certainly control what happens within us by expanding  horizon of thinking and developing emotional agility and flexibility, this will surely enable us to respond to the situation than reacting.

Every problem has solutions, we need to look at from different perspective, when shift in perspective happens you find the solution just around.

1.        Acknowledge:

 When misfortune befalls all of a sudden, acknowledging and reconciling to the reality will  be difficult, it takes time and psychologically mind goes through few phases to come to  terms with reality.

Phases are: Shock, denying, anger, bargaining, depression and finally accepting.

Individual maturity and tolerance level determines how quickly one moves out of each stage.

Example:  someone might take longer time to come out of shock state and someone else may take more time to come out of depression or someone may quickly accept the reality.

2.       Stay calm and composed:

Do not get panic and stress yourself since mind gets clouded by negative thoughts and  blocks your judgment. Few of them get panic attacks which leads to health complications.

Harmful neurotransmitters are released when you are distressed/panicked which leads to mental health issues. Keep your mind calm, don’t race your mind in an imaginative world (mind immediately rush to imagine worst case scenario, it may not happen in the future). By staying calm you will come to terms with reality and which  will enable you to take better decision.

Focus on your breathing, slowly breath in and breath out, observe your breath pattern and focus on it for 10 to 15min, mind becomes calm.

3.       Talk to trusted partners or counselor:

Confiding with someone who you can trust act as Catharsis,it helps  in building  emotional resilience. Trusted confidante can offer you wonderful suggestions and give different perspective.
a counselor will be a better partner in your recuperative journey.

4.       Reinvent and Rebuild yourself:  

Curveballs are actually blessing in disguise, utilize this as an opportunity to reflect (we may not have thought of it till now) on your potential and look for ways and means that exists to serve society at large. Reinvent yourself in the new direction, create new path, acquire necessary skills.This is an opportunity to grow and keep you moving forward.

5.       Let go of things:

 Learn to let go of things, do not hold on to emotional baggage. Shun the ego clashes, decide it’s worth the energy to hold on to it or let go and redirect your energy to more solution oriented things.

6.       Affirmation:

Affirmation is positive stroke you keep suggesting to your subconscious mind, periodically keep repeating the positive affirmation and you can turn your desire in to reality.
( We shall see in my later blogs how to affirm and program subconscious mind)

Last word:

Everything happens for a reason, it may not reveal right now, as the drama of life starts unfolding you will get to know the real reason at the right time…..surrender to the Universe and see the magic.

PS: in extreme cases like loss of spouse and terminal illness, when things are irreversible, it’s difficult to handle and I would say time is the healer.

How to overcome rejection and gain self- confidence; know yourself

Practical ways to deal with rejection; Follow the powerful steps to overcome rejection

 

 

 

Suresh angrily came out of the interview room, threw the credentials file on the ground, he was seething with anger… “bloody fellows again rejected me, they asked god damn questions and no sane person could have answered, they did it purposely as they have already offered the job to an influential candidate,  this interview is just a sham”.

“I tried my best to convince her, I truly love her, she doesn’t understand and rejected me, for reasons best known to her”…with heavy breath Karan told me, his face was contorted with intense pain and eyes were wet with tears. His heart swelled with emotion.

Muthu is not much qualified and works hard to earn money, he struggles to keep his family members happy, somehow they don’t accept him and he feels like an outcast. His elder brother is well qualified and he gets all the attention. Muthu feels terrible whenever they snub him.

Sneha is an average looking girl from a traditional family and never dares to have a boyfriend in college. She is shy and conscious of her looks. Her family members wish to give her in marriage to a decent family. But some 30 to 40 prospective grooms rejected her because of her average looks. She’s frustrated and she lost all hopes.

Shiva is a brilliant software analyst.  His manager is an anarchist who never gives credit or takes his decisions seriously. He ill-treats him in all project meetings and rejects ideas outright without giving it a thought. Shiva is dejected and feels out of place.  He decided to resign and join another company.

Mukund is a senior citizen; he worked in an executive position and earned good money. He was the decision-maker in the family. After retirement, his son and daughter took over. They don’t involve him in any decisions nor discuss with him any matter. They complain he can't hear nor understand. He feels utterly neglected and has gone into depression.

 A peek into the anatomy of rejection;

 Rejection is common in life, it may be due to incompetence,  favoritism,  skin color, jealousy, prejudices,  status….etc

Kids are more prone to get affected by rejection. They need love, care, and attention during the formative years. Between the siblings, they are differentiated and neglected. If they don’t get attention, love, and care they feel rejected, this nasty experience gets rooted strongly and when they grow up, it will manifest in timidity or aggressive behavior.  

 Rejections are the most common and nobody is immune to it, the most talented people have been rejected by one way or the other. When you put yourself out in the competitive world and you become vulnerable, but don’t get fazed by it, look at the odds involved, and accept the general rule- higher the stake higher the rewards.

 Indeed, rejection creates an emotional wound and leaves an indelible scar in our psyche. Whether it is due to the spouse leaving you, or not getting admission to the desired school, or not considered for the cricket team in the college, or when rejected in the family or snubbed by friends.

Whatever the reason for rejection, it just doesn't hurt, it damages psychological well-being, it erodes your self-worth. You feel you are not wanted and feel alone like an outcast.

In every phase of life, the universe puts you through a trial by fire, it’s the way the universe strengthens you from inside. Oftentimes, we fail to understand the grand purpose behind it, we get overwhelmed by the pain and do irrational things and suffer even more.

Why rejection is painful:

We want everything in life to happen the way we want, irrespective of whether we deserve it or not. That’s not the way life works, it has its own way, it bends you kneads you, and gives unexpected twists and turns to provide a lesson. 

Rejection seems to cause major emotional trauma since the Ego plays a vital role in hurting the Self by creating a mismatch in your expectations.

You feel the pain of rejection due to flawed self-understanding, having a victimized mindset and your thought processes are devoid of rationality.

Ex:  One of my friends suggested me to meet his cousin who is depressed and of late has become whacky. He feels he is not successful in any areas of life, he is rejected in all interviews, socially he feels ostracized as none of his friends nor relatives accept him. He harbors a wrong feeling that everyone is out to belittle him

We put him through a few psychological tests to ascertain the cause. We were surprised to know all those rejections were his mental construct.  He feels that nobody is giving attention and he has been neglected. In reality, none of his friends did anything of that sort. They say he is shy and timid and never speaks with anyone.

Some rejections are real and painful and hurt us badly.

Rejection can help you build resilience;

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, failures, and rejections. As the saying goes  “When the thing gets tough the tough get going”,  

Building resilience is easy and it requires little effort in the right direction. Below i have given a couple of practical points to help you bounce back fast.

1) Understand your strength.

Understanding your strength is the first step in building resilience. SWOT analysis the best way to understand your strength and weakness and map the opportunities to your strength and take action to move forward.

2) Change your perspective.

 Change your perspective means to change how you view the world or the problem and how you feel about it. When perspective change happens you get a greater insight and you will be more rational in handling the situation.

3)   Develop self-awareness

 Develop self-awareness, you will understand your personality in a better way, by knowing how you think, feel and behave

You may have a certain patterns developed over a period of time, or there could be emotional or mood swings. You realize how you behave in certain conditions are stimuli.

Don’t let rejection define you:

Rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that you are worthless, don’t live your life with that tag, its disaster.

Example: You may be rejected by your lover, she/he may have rejected you for reasons which may not be true. They may have limited understanding or wrong perceptions about you.

Your self-worth is not dependent on other’s opinions about you or a single incident.

We are all unique in our own ways and can excel in our areas of expertise, Don’t get influenced by someone's opinions about you.

Don’t have a Victimised mindset;

Feeling victimized by the person or circumstances is a habitual pattern, you will wallow in self-pity.  We should come out of the mindset. Stop blaming others and take responsibility for your actions, brooding never serves the purpose nor does it give the power.

The healthy way is :

1) Stop blaming others

2) Develop self-confidence

3) Accept the reality

4) Be flexible

 

 

“I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.” – Sylvester Stallone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Train your mind to be optimistic in tough times

6 ways to become optimistic and lead a successful and healthy life.

 

Human beings are optimistic by nature. It’s a positive trait that holds our faith intact and gives us the inner strength to fight life’s battle, no matter how bad or worse the situation be.

The very word optimism energizes and stokes us with positive emotions, and nudges us with strength and courage to move in the right direction, springs new hope in our heart in anticipation of a bright & better tomorrow, enables you to cast off the negative and naysaying mind prods you to look for an oasis in the desert.

What is Optimism;

Metaphorically optimism is seeing a glass as Half-empty or Half-full. An optimist is a person who focuses on opportunities in adverse situations and will not discount or ignore the obstacles.

Optimism is positive psychology, you will have a positive orientation towards life. We are optimistic about career, relationship, financial well-being..and many more.

We are  hooked to life despite the trouble  because of our positive outlook, we expect the situation to turn around and look  good someday in the future, this is what keeps us going the “optimism”

Let me share interesting stories on optimism

 A big shoe company decided to set up a sales showroom in one of the towns, so they sent two marketing experts to find out the potential and set up the unit.

After a few days of marketing research one of the experts concluded by saying “ Don’t waste time, nobody wears the shoes in this town”

Another expert not aware of the first, one’s  findings write a mail to the company “ Congrats, please send the material fast, we have a huge potential as no one wears shoes in this town”

Same people different views,  one is pessimistic and another is optimistic, and the latter sees an opportunity in every situation and looks for a positive outcome.

Just on the humor side of optimism…..Two friends went to a barbershop, one had hair and another was bald except for a few strands of hair. ……On seeing the bald guy the barber was puzzled, asked how could he help…the bald friend asked the barber to colour his hair…….. he was optimistic he would look good!

Carl Lewis…called dearly by Americans as Carl the King….a great athlete, a dominant sprinter, and a long jumper won 9 Olympic gold medals, one silver Olympic medals, and 10 world championship medals. He is known for his tenacity, courage, and strength…he had to face many challenges including severe injuries that had crippled him, but. optimistic nature kept him going and he achieved an unparalleled feat, which would be remembered for generations to come.

 

Why optimism is important;

 By being optimistic you can improve your physical and psychological well-being, Surprisingly many diseases are cured by being optimistic and not letting the negativity take over.

 You feel rejuvenated and energized, and active, you remain emotionally stable and grounded in reality.

History is replete with people who by sheer optimism and determination achieved unimaginable success and glory. It may be winning a war or building an empire, It could be a  scientific invention, or bringing social changes.

All these people struggled hard and faced terrible situations, but they had one thing in common, they were optimistic and undeterred by the hardship. They were self-motivated worked relentlessly in anticipation of their endeavor coming to fruition.

What constitutes optimism:

Optimism is a trait, all of us have to some degree. When placed in a certain bad situation, we don’t get deterred, we face boldly and beam a positive outlook and think of it as a temporary setback.

 Some people succumb to pressure and become a pessimist and start brooding If the period of uncertainty stretches a little longer time. They don't have the mental strength and courage to endure and move forward.

What amazes is the tenacity and the courage of optimistic folks, despite having to put up with the prolonged period of uncertainty. There are a few strong individuals who fight the battle till the end, they don’t succumb to temporary pressures and accept defeat. They are profound in their thought process and they are aware of every pitfall and don’t get discouraged even in the worst-case scenario.

 

Optimistic VS Realistic.

It’s good to be optimistic, but we need to be aware of the reality also. Due to over-optimism, we tend to ignore reality. 24/7 you can’t be seeing the rainbows, there are dark clouds and showers. We must be prepared and be aware of the unfavorable situations which can contribute to defeating the purpose.

Ex: in gambling people keep increasing the stakes in anticipating a win even when they are losing continuously.. you must know when to accept reality and learn to pull yourself out. Very rarely people make money in gambling unless you are a manipulator.

Ex:  You have to be realistic in business, understanding business nuances in the face of reality gives you an edge over others and propel to accelerate growth. Being optimistic serves to stay in the middle of tough competition.

You must know when to invest and when to stop and should you bootstrap or go to venture capitalist.

 Optimism brings resilience;

Optimism leads to resilience, it gives the inner strength to bounce back from trauma ( emotional or physical) and gain normalcy. Resilient people are optimistic from the core, the very essence is drawn from this trait or attribute. 

Ex: People who have met with an accident with multiple injuries can bounce back solely because of an optimistic outlook and resilient nature.

  It is not easy to be optimistic in the midst of negativities and adverse situations. One needs to have a good determination, a positive frame of mind, and trust. Being optimistic gives you an immense benefit, we shall discuss in the latter part.

Why are we not optimistic;

There are many reasons for not being optimistic. The below points for me seems a major contributing factor.

1. It may be due to bad past experiences and repeated failures.

2.  It may be in belief systems

3. Lack of self-confidence

4. Being in the company of pessimists, you get rubbed on with the same energy.

5. Depression and other organic causes.

 

  
How to be optimistic;

Optimism is an essential trait that makes you successful. According to a few studies, it’s the gateway to health and a socially fulfilling life.

Psychologists have recommended many methods to develop the attribute of Optimism. I have taken a few points below, it is also my experience if followed faithfully impacts life positively.

      1. Don’t let the past failures to bog you down;

When the past failures stalk you, don’t fret and fume, please be calm and analyze the situation and find the cause for failures. When you know the Why’s the How becomes easy and the opportunity emerges from the shadows. Be tenacious in your search for Why’s …..after that everything falls in place.

“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

2.  Reflect;

It’s time to take stock of your behavior, go deep inside to reflect. By doing so, you will come to know your flaws and help you to take corrective action. Reflect on the lessons learned from failures and the opportunities presented to you.

 

       3. Be with positive people;

Surround yourself with positive thinking people, you will get that energy and motivation.

     

       4. Believe;

Believe in your potential and believe that anything can change, nothing is permanent and everything is subject to change……When you believe your potential expands and you are set to achieve the impossible. Also, change your belief system from lackness to abundance.

 

     5. Focus;

Stay focused on your goals and never take your eyes off, whatever may be the circumstances. Intense focus allows you to gain the confidence to resolve any issues or problems. Naturally, you become optimistic

 

     6. Be accountable;

Take charge of your life and never be a victim of circumstances. Never find excuses or blame others for the failures.

 

Friends….. Life is not easy, don’t expect it to be easy, the very way life designed is to go through these moments of imperfections and learning from it.

 Adversities are part of life, some people have to endure for a longer period.….it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be struggling, it’s ok to feel bad and crib…it’s ok to tell your friends that you have failed……but it’s not ok to give up and stop trying… you never know tomorrow can be a turning point and your life can flip for the better.

Nothing is easy in life…There is always a struggle, be optimistic everything will change for the better.